Tory Welfare Cuts Boost Disabled Suicides

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Disability activists and UK Uncut brought all traffic – including the ubiquitous speedy Boris Bikes – to a standstill for hours on Saturday by chaining themselves together across Regent Street in protest against the content of the insidious Welfare Reform Bill that has to date been the catalyst of cause in the documented despair-related suicides of thirty-one disabled persons since the benefit cuts were announced.

The gospel according to the Mencap charity, the planned cuts to the disability living allowance under this Tory-sponsored bill will see 500,000 disabled ‘zero social status’ useless eaters pushed to the proverbial breadline and forced to attempt to survive on £25 quid per week after paying rent and utility costs – while by contrast MPs are living the life of Riley and raking in £65,738 nicker per annum plus enjoying such a lavish regime of expenses they can afford to have their country heap moats dredged and finance floating pagodas for their ducks out of the taxpaying public’s purse.

The demonstration – which brought Oxford Circus to a halt and drove London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense to paroxysms of apoplexy – was the result of an alliance between Disabled People Against Cuts and Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity – who provided advice on how to stage an eye-catching, media-frenzied event by setting fire to a couple of pensioners and their mobility scooters.

Within half an hour the ‘Raspberry Ripple’ human barricade had traffic stationary along Regent and Oxford streets - with congestion backed up as far as the M25 at Borehamwood as hundreds of demonstrators and their supporters blocked the junction, chanting, playing drums and waving placards against the welfare reform bill, which the Libservative Coalition are currently trying to ramrod through the House of Conmans.

One of the protest group’s spokesmen Frank McCrutch told reporters “I’ve limped all the way here from Gimpborough Hamlets this mornin’ cos us disabled people need ter work together ter get our voices heard cos this effin’ government sees us as an easy target. But it all comes down ter rhetoric versus reality an’ Posh Dave Scameron an’ his tosspot cabinet ain’t gonna solve this Debtocracy mess of pottage by robbin’ us disabled folks of our benefits like wot I’ve had fer the last 20 years an’ now suddenly they’ve decided I don’t need ‘em anymore. Really, I kid yer not – this benefit cuts move is fraught with the spectre of unintended consequences.”

“So wot I’m plannin’ if this welfare bill goes through Parliament then I’m gonna buy a gallon of unleaded gasoline an’ limp me way up ter the public gallery in the House of effin’ Conmans an’ pour the lot over me effin’ head then light up a rollie an’ go ‘Ka-fuckin’-Boom’ an’ see if that gets the point across like wot that bloke Mohamed Bouazizi did in Tunisia last year. Course I’ll have a big suicide note hangin' round me neck written on a sheet of asbestos.”

Press hacks also descended on celebrity disabled anarchist Jody McIntire for interviews as he sat defiantly in the middle of Oxford Circus, strapped securely in his Condor ‘Combat’ XLR-Super-Gimp paramilitary model wheelchair (as used by crippled Special Forces troops in Afghanistan) armed with a can of pepper spray and a 75,000 volts taser – informing reporters “Let’s see if the Met’s Renta-Thug bullies have any luck up-ending me wheels an’ draggin’ me across the road this time around.”

A stern word of warning came from the Met Plod Squad’s new Commissioner, Bernard ‘Hulk’ Hogan - aka the ‘Scourge of Scouseland’ – who informed officers of the Territorial Support Group “I don’t want any April Fool’s Day repeats of the 2009 G20 protests – so be careful none of these Bolshie shits are filming you on a camcorder or smart phone – and for fuck’s sake don’t murder any alkie news vendors this time around.”

After the road had been blocked for just over an hour, police asked politely over a loudhailer for the protesters to move – to which they replied with a collective “Fuck off!” However, once a hailstorm erupted at 14:00 hours they unchained themselves voluntarily and exited at a rate of knots towards Harrods for afternoon cream teas and a change of incontinence diapers.

Interviewed later on Saturday evening by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on BBC1’s ‘Gross Incompetence Hour’ programme, the Minister for Work & Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, and incumbent Tory MP for the Chigley and Camberwick Green constituencies – a man described by friends and political associates alike as having the personality of a chemotherapy clinic – and being the type of person you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise – offered his opinions on the day’s protest events.

“Really, I don’t know what’s wrong with these people. They get free crutches on the NHS and all those prosthetic thingies. Not like in Long John Silver’s day when a bloke had to whittle his own from a lump of driftwood or go out in the dark nasty woods to lob a branch off a tree and risk getting another leg bitten off by wolves.”

“Oh well, I suppose we should look on the brighter side of things as if these benefit-cuts related suicides continue at the same geometric rate then the disabled welfare payment paradox will become self-solving and of great assistance to the UN’s proposed Agenda 21 mass euthanasia cull of all the human race’s deadwood.”

“Now I know that comment’s going to cop for a barrage of flack from human rights and wrongs groups but just wait until the NHS start with their scaremongering family planning propaganda next week - with bloody big posters and ad’s on the telly promoting their ‘Abortion’s safer than giving birth’ campaign.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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