UK Polygraph Tests to be De Rigueur

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what stinks like a pikey’s crapper of being yet another example of the sneaky tip-toe approach to advancing the Big Brother control freak state agenda, the Smegmashire Plod Squad have been tasked with implementing lie detector tests on suspected sex offenders in a trial that will eventually lead to some draconic Parliamentary bill being legislated making poxy polygraphs a compulsory addition to everyday police investigations into such heinous crimes as speeding and downloading pirate DVD movies - with the threadbare assurance that “Well, if you’re innocent then there’s nothing to worry about”.

And that is just bullshit – it’s yet another encroachment on civil liberties as polygraphs - which monitor heart rate, blood pressure, brain activity, and sweating during waterboarding sessions and torture-free interrogations alike - still require the results interpreted by a biased human source - customarily some moron in a blue uniform who is barely in possession of two brains cells to rub together.

The gospel according to the Association of Senior Plods claims the pilot scheme is being conducted to determine if polygraph tests hold the potential to provide additional technology to existing structured interrogation techniques and perhaps impart that all too frequently absent certainty of guilt - and thus whether to charge suspects with involvement in a crime.

However, Baz McSkanger, the director of the ‘Fuck the Plods’ civil rights abuse watchdog charity, informed one press hack from the Totalitarians Gazette that “Yer got some very Kafkaesque undertones involved here. First it’s the kiddie fiddlers – then before you can say “Not guilty, your Honour” – the effin’ plods will be usin’ lie detectors fer every fuckin’ thing. Next yer gonna have legislation ram-rodded through the House of Conmans – using the excuse that they’ve got ter be compulsory ter reinforce the investigative scope of existing anti-terrorism laws.”

“So wiv all this EUSSR political correctness bullshit spewin’ out of Brussels, if yer takin’ yer fuckin’ dog fer a walk in the park an’ yer happen ter smile at some sprogs or say ‘hello children’ then some paranoid cow’s gonna be on her cellphone an’ finger yer as a potential paedo’ perv. Then yer in the Cop Shop wired up ter a polygraph an’ the twats are showin’ yer colour piccies of some 14-year old slut wot’s got big tits an’ hair she can sit on - an’ if yer effin’ pulse rate goes up an’ yer start gettin’ a lob on, then yer gonna end up wiv yer name in this Sex Offenders Register thingy.”

“Yeah, an’ just guess wot comes after that, mark my effin’ words – yer gonna have gangs of yer local council’s Community Enforcement knobheads from the Renta-Thug agency comin’ round wiv their mobile polygraph units an’ puttin’ the hard word on some fucker’s Granny ter take a lie detector test ter prove she’s not been chuckin’ garden waste or kitty litter in the wrong wheelie bin – just so they can start imposin’ on-the-spot fines ter pay fer their own miserable fuckin’ existence.”

Conversely, the Association of Senior Plods reported that Smegmadale Police had carried out a total of 25 polygraph tests on what they classified as low-level sex offenders (voyeurs, doggers, cottagers, etc) with some being coerced into making disclosures they might otherwise have been unlikely to - and other perverted scumbags apparently lying about what they were doing half-naked in a farmer’s field in the middle of the night - stuck up the arse end of a sheep.

Candida Mingerot, the spokeswoman for the human rights and wrongs abuse group Ox-Rat, opined to media reporters that “The Ministry of Justice has been overseeing this fatally-flawed project, aimed at testing sex offenders as part of their probation conditions when they’re freed from prison – and I’ll bet my anal virginity this will most definitely lead to the compulsory testing of convicted sex offenders.”

“Next it will be mandatory use for disability claimants, then the testing of potential employees by corporations to see if they’ve been lying on their job applications or CVs – that’s as long as they sign a consent form, of course – but there’s not job if they don’t take the test – which are about as accurate as this piece of shit pirate Rolex my boyfriend bought me for Christmas.”

“Really, imagine going for a minimum wage job at Poundland and having to suffer the indignity of a lie detector test. Doubtless we’re going to be bombarded with the same compliance propaganda waffle justifying this breach of our rights as we did with anti-terrorist laws. ‘If you’re not guilty then you’ve nothing to hide’ – Right? No, fucking wrong with a big capital W for wrong. One question leads to another – and next some officious little local Stasi jobsworth’s coming out with “Been on the Sky Filth channel watching a spot of porno? Got a TV licence have we? Who killed Cock Robin? Where’s Jimmy Hoffa buried?”

“Of course one can avoid this by refusing to sign a consent form or sport a Bolshie civil non-compliance attitude by fidgeting and purposely chatter-boxing away instead of answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – which will make a total fuck up of any polygraph test. So the lie detector’s only of any use if the subject bows to whatever poses as authority – and subjects themselves to the informed consent protocol - and we all know where that can lead, don’t we – just like Auschwitz when God’s Chosen People walked willingly into the gas chambers.

Thoughts for the day: Applying polygraph tests in this trial involving sex offenders – a pity it wasn’t conducted in Scotland’s crime and kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen - on the local establishment’s Masonic pederast cabal of ‘official worthies’ - and specifically the corruption-ridden police and judiciary.

The Association of Senior Plods related that the Homicide Working Group were following the trial with bated breath and interested to employ polygraph techniques into their own investigations.
Probably too much to ask or expect that the Independent Police Coverups Commission, currently probing the illegal killing of Mark Duggan by the Met’s Plod Squad in Tottenham last August will be using polygraph tests to determine who actually shot whom – and who threw the handgun over the fence – and why Duggan bore no evidence of powder residue from firing the weapon that police claim he was armed with and which purportedly discharged the bullet that struck and lodged in PC Dildo’s MP3 player.

While Orwell’s 1984 provides both alarming and prophetic insights to what a Dystopian (and Kafkaesque) state might manifest as, perhaps it is time, and again prudent, to remind Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative Coalition and the Association of Senior Plods that the revelatory text was a ‘warning’ aimed at the common people – and definitely not a blueprint and instruction manual – Totalitarianism for Dummies - for governments to impose on their own voting public.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.