New Labour to Reinvent ‘Crapitalism’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, after 13 unlucky-for-some years of making a total fuck of the UK economy - (kick-started by Thatcher’s Tory mismanagement of our once-sceptred isle’s affairs in the 1980’s when she saw fit, in the manic throes of her menopausal madness, to de-industrialise Britain while simultaneously venting her belligerent spleen on the hapless Argies over who owns the Falklands) – the New Labour Party’s resurrected ship of state - whose helm is now under the dubious captaincy of one Ed Milipede (the Boy Wonder from the Planet Fuckwit) - have declared for the public record they’ve augured the solution to healing the nation’s festering economic woes.

Hence following a mere nineteen months exiled into that political purdah reserved for losers, failures and generalised pariahs, New Labour – via the medium of business secretary designate Chuckabutty Ummanahh – the only person in Milipede’s shadow cabinet to boast the distinction of having passed his 11-plus in the ‘Bean Counting’ discipline of Arithmetic – have come up with a hare-brained scheme to re-invent Crapitalism by purging or reforming the crooked system of all it’s inherent banes.

However this panacea of all ills will not involve putting their foot down and stamping out the bankster’s practices of fractional reserve lending to the Nth degree and charging usurious interest rates – but rather legislating censorship policies to tackle excessive corporate executive pay, which while generating no end of ill-feeling in boardrooms across the City towards corporate dispensation of political party donorship. might appeal to Broken Britain’s jobless and vindictive masses - and perhaps earn Labour the odd swing vote.

So, we have Mr Chuckabutty Ummanahh, a former wheelbarrow mechanic who read up on the gospels of Adam Smith and Maynard Keynes at his local library – before budget austerity measures closed it for good - and intends to put Albion’s economy to rights by turning the floor of the House of Conmans into a debating battleground arguing over the pro’s and con’s of the bloated salaries and mega-bonus packages awarded to FTSE 100 executives through blatant cronyism and the prevalent boardroom culture of directors sat on one another’s remuneration committees.

WTF? Seriously, is there any Parliamentary psychiatric oversight involved in regulating what these clowns propose?
Perhaps the place to start would be in the public service arena – with the bloated salaries of local authority panjandrums and the quango exec’s that now seem to be infesting the corridors of traditional government responsibility.

Next order of business, a critical review of MP’s salaries: £65,738 quid per annum and all the expenses and palm-greasing honorariums from directorships – plus the snout-in-trough freebies forked out by political lobbyists.

As to cabinet ministers – well, at a bloated £134,565 per annum they’re definitely mopping up the gravy while rubbing the electorate’s noses in the brown smelly stuff (shit - nor Marmite) – especially so when the Department of Works & Pensions Minister Iain Duncan Smut has decreed in his infinite wisdom that the common or garden unemployed peasantry can manage to live on £60:50p per week jobseekers allowance.

And that contrasts very sharply with the fact we have cabinet ministers and MPs raking in £2,587 and £1,264 per week respectively – remunerative amounts that bear no relation to performance and simply serve to further undermine the voting publics’ lack of trust in the entire stacked, corruption-ridden system.

Baz ‘Tourettes’ McSkanger, director of the Kunt-Watch government abuse monitor who presided over the High Pay Commission - set up in 2010 as a lip-service review of the flawed 1995 Greenbury Report – to investigate bloated boardroom salaries, informed one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that “New Labour’s ‘responsible crapitalism’ platform’s riddled wiv more fuckin’ holes than a pikey’s colander an’ totally oxymoronic due the very nature of the fact that the incongruous principles of crapitalism are irresponsible. Just read yer fuckin’ Marx fer the low-down. Tories, Lib-Dums or New Labour – they’re all a bunch of poxy twats an’ can all kiss my hairy arse then eff’ off, eat shit an’ die.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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