UK: Benefit Scrounger’s Vacation Choice

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A joint report just released by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, researched and compiled in collusion with Parliament’s fact finding Duck Egg Commission, finally reveals officially what the common herd have known for years - that Broken Britain is the number one destination of choice for the entire global spectrum of Empire’s Day-qualified socio-economic refugees, penniless political asylum seekers, migrant scroungers, foreign rip-off gangs and a generalised bunch of vacationing benefit tourists from the other poverty-stricken 26 EUSSR member states.

According to the report’s damning gospel, droves of swan roasting pikeys and a legion of other manky migrants who are unable to draw sod all in the way of welfare payments in their own Third World shitholes can turn up in the UK and - thanks to the past New Labour government policy and stupid EUSSR legislation - start claiming unemployment, housing and incapacity benefit from day one – plus sign up for free NHS medical treatment – get a nice fresh kidney transplant then sod off back home to ‘Cadgerstan’ and resell it for a few thousand bucks.

Through the analysis of actuarial data the detailed demographic report lays bare the appalling facts that as of December 2011 there are 371,000 foreign-born claimants raking in Jobseekers Allowance and other unemployment-related benefits out of a total 5.5 million recipients. Of these, 258,000 were from outside the European Economic Area – with over 72,000 from Somalia alone – all registered on the Jobcentre’s central data banks as actively searching for work in the ‘Piracy-Shipping’ / ‘Hostage Ransom’ industries.

In-depth analysis shows that the highest number of migrants on benefits originally came from Pakiland and India - with Iraq also featuring prominently after Tony Bliar sanctioned the illegal invasion and destruction of the nation’s infrastructure in 2003. Additionally, EUSSR member states were among the Top 20 scroungers – which included Poland, Ireland, France, Italy – and grotty Greece – all of whom submitted claims for the £200 quid Winter Fuel Allowance last December on behalf of their grandmothers – along with state pension and child benefit – and any other handouts that might be going.

Section 15A-03 of the controversial 36,000 page report exposes an entire smorgasbord of shady practices being undertaken by dodgy claimants to ‘up the ante’ of their benefit entitlements.
While Jobseekers’ Allowance is currently paid at a top rate of £67.50 quid a week, incapacity benefit is worth up to £94.25 – hence one gang of Polacks in Leeds who had no great commercial success with impersonating plumbers and electricians resorted to smashing each others knee caps with a claw hammer to qualify for the £94 nicker rate disability payments – plus a free pair of NHS crutches.

Further to the afore-mentioned abuses and the impact on the welfare system caused by legions of foreign scroungers in the UK on their personalised ‘do or die’ mooching missions, ministers are concerned with the number of jobs being snatched up by unqualified migrants.
Official figures show that up to 90 percent of new jobs created in Britain over the past two years have gone to foreign workers while levels of unemployment for redundancy-hit native born Anglo-Saxon Brit’s rose at a disproportionate, geometric rate.

Conversely the Libservative Coalition government believes that improving the education and training of Britons, particularly the younger generation, is the key to ensuring that they can compete for jobs against the influx of begging gits and migrants kitted out with sheaves of forged skill proficiency certificates and university degrees – if an employment climate ever so manifests where jobs once again grow on trees.
However, with the Bank of England mandated interest rate bogged down at a paltry 0:5% and this depression stretching its reach far over the future’s horizon then don’t hold your breath for too long.

Are you British-born and unemployed, over 16 years of age but under 65? Sign up now for a free Department of Works & Pensions NVQ1 course on Advanced Welfare Benefit Fraud and put yourself in a better position to compete with the hordes of foreign scroungers already milking the system dry. Like the Lotto advert says - "You've got to be in to win!"

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.