In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Helping Hand Snuff Commission - set up and funded by campaigners who want to be shut of elderly relatives either putting a damper on their lifestyles or draining precious financial resources by being boarded in exorbitantly-priced private care homes - claim the current non-existent legislative regulations governing provisions for euthanasia – and the ‘shelf life expired’ 1961 Suicide Act – are simply no longer fit for purpose in this age of socially-accepted self-harming culture.
One member of the controversial ‘Licensed Murder’ commission, Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle, the Tory MP for Suffolk’s stockbroker belt ‘Pikeys Crotch’ constituency, informed a press hack from the Parricide Gazette that “Broken Britain’s current laws do not cater for helping our ageing loved ones to shake off their mortal coil – and if you call up this Renta-Kill outfit on the phone they claim only to exterminate vermin and have no facilities for dealing with pensioners determined to hang on at Death’s door until Hell freezes over, making every other sod’s life a bloody misery.”
The commission, funded by the best-selling author of the 'Dorkworld' series, Sir Terry Ratshitt - who now suffers from advanced Alzheimer's Disease and can’t remember what the fuck he was writing before lunch – is currently chaired by no other than the scandal-ridden Lord Charlie Falconer, a former Justice Secretary and thick-as-thieves flatmate of international war criminal Tony Bliar – who entered the annals of infamy when he okayed Alastair Campbell’s dodgy dossiers - specially spiced up by Ahmed ‘Watch yer Pockets’ Chalabi’s Curry House Take-Away to justify the invasion of Iraq.
Dog wankers like Falconer besides, Helping Hand’s advisory membership is comprised of a wide range of experts on ‘death’ – which include army snipers, Mossad assassins, morticians, coffin makers, coroners, pathologists, licensed undertakers, a mix of priests and vicars, grave diggers, body bag manufacturers - and the 96-year old Guinness World Record holder ‘Mr Organ Transplant’ himself, Bazzer McScrunt, President of the Coffin Dodgers Union.
In opposition, Ronnie Shipman, campaign director of Care Not Killing, a loose-knit alliance of atheists, reformed serial killers, faith and disability groups, opined to the media that “The entire effin’ study has bin undertaken by a bunch of self-seekin’ twats wot wants ter get rid of their Granny – by fair means or foul.”
“Wot they wants here in the UK is the same as wot they got in Zurich, their very own Dignitas Clinic where they can sign Granny up fer a medically-approved suicide pact and let the old bag simply conk out while munchin’ on a box of Swiss chocolate liqueurs – plus have the chance ter win a genuine Alpine cuckoo clock in the daily lottery.”
“If this Libservative coalition government’s not made enough of a right fuck up of things since May 2010, an’ they pass legislation ter legalise suicide – especially assisted suicides in cases of someone bein’ terminally ill - then yer gonna have a bunch of oldies getting’ shoved under buses an’ metro trams – an’ that’s not only gonna prove ter be very messy but also a major cause of traffic jams and diversions.”
“Anyways, wiv me bein’ dragged up as a Catholic an’ the Vatican sayin’ that suicide’s a big no-no, I’m definitely not up fer getting’ me name in St Peter’s big black Naughty Book an’ end up getting’ sent ter Hell fer all fuckin’ eternity.”
In response to Shipman’s diatribe, Mrs Ffinch-Gargoyle commented “Hmmm, he’s not got my 89-year old bloody mother to look after 24/7 – and the Somali au pair girl Piretta’s got her damn hands full taking care of the horses, cleaning the windows and doing the gardening.”
“Never mind this ‘terminally ill’ criterion – what about ‘terminal bloody nuisance’ I’d like to know?”
“Every time I speak to Mummy about a trip to Dignitas in Zurich she starts going on about waiting for the summer months and wants a proper assisted suicide - just like MI5 did for Dr David Kelly – so she has the chance to croak at her own pace on a nice sunny afternoon sat under a tree in the Grassy Knoll Woods with her knitting and a glass of Lucozade – and some nice easy to swallow tablets that will make her go to sleep - and not having her wrists slashed with a blunt gardening knife, getting blood all over her new cardigan.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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