Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Bonkers Boris Takes Over Met Plod Squad

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As part of the Libservative Coalition government’s on-going efforts to turn Broken Britain’s fatally-flawed multi-cultural society into an even bigger dysfunctional shambles than it already is - via the application of the tried and tested ‘order into chaos’ doctrine - London's Mayor, the Right Honourable Pasha, Bonkers Boris de Piffle Nonsense, has been, since midnight on Sunday, solely responsible for the Metropolitan Plod Squad's priorities and performance.

To wit, in a move fraught with the spectre of unintended consequences – such as mayhem and utter disaster - the Metropolitan Police Authority has now been disbanded and replaced by the Mayor's Office for Plodding and Crime (MOP-C).
The change is part of the police reform and social responsibility bill which aims to give the nation’s voters – criminals included - a say in how they are policed.

Just to confuse matters further and postpone the inevitable destiny of a legion of bureaucratic jobsworths from joining the burgeoning unemployment queues at the dole office, the MOP-C, in turn, will be monitored by the London Assembly's Police and Crime Panel – and headed by Met Plod Squad Commissioner Bernard ‘Hulk’ Hogan – a man, who in a previous incarnation, earned the legend of ‘The Scourge of Scouseland’.

Bonkers Boris - the type of person you can take anywhere twice (the second time to apologise) and whose Utopian ambitions unfortunately far exceed the scope and powers of his limited intellectual capabilities – met with press hacks on Monday to give an informal talk on his favourite subject – himself – before detailing the delusional plans to turn London into a Crime-Free Comfort Zone – divested of oicks, scrotes and generalised scallies - prior to the Diamond Jubilee / Wimbledon / 2012 Olympic Games events scheduled for Britain's summer season (2nd weekend in July).

Mayor Nonsense rationalised to one reporter from the Megalomania Gazette that “Henceforth I’m going to be putting my ‘policing’ foot down with a firm hand. No more extra-judicial snuffing of yobsters around Tottenham and kick starting a wave of sodding riots up and down the country. No more snuffing Brazilian electricians either and bringing about a state of affairs where every ex-pat sparky’s buggered off back to Poland or Venezuela before the Met’s psycho CO19 Armed response Unit mistake them for a Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorist and make a total bollocks of their otherwise ‘good day’.”

“What’s more I’m going to be putting a stop to the Met’s TSA Renta-Thug Squad punching non-confrontational split-arsed protesters in the face at G20 demo’s and claiming they mistook an orange juice carton for an AK47 assault rifle.”

“Further, whether the Met like it or not, there’ll be no more ‘live footage’ incidents of beating passer-by news vendors to death with a steel baton while getting video’d by a bunch of G20 protest witnesses – and that rule’s going to apply to tipping gimps out of their wheelchairs and dragging them across the road by the scruff of the neck – for their own protection. Really, are these uniformed clots insane or what?”
“Plus I’m not going to tolerate any member of the Met’s force assisting MI5 with suiciding government weapons inspectors again either – that’s a job for Dignitas over in cuckoo-clock land. And if Mossad and Co pull another 7/7 false flag terrorist attack on my TfL Underground this summer and I find out the Met’s involved and not Mohammed al Patsy, then the shit’s really going to hit the fan.”

“Mind you, on the positive side, I do intend to get tough on youth violence and knife crime – and set up a task force to tackle gangs, robbery, burglary - plus slash re-offending rates by getting more uniformed plods off their arses and out on the streets – overtime galore - either burning shoe leather or riding around on my fleet of Boris Bikes.”

Conversely the thatched-haired Bonkers came in for a barrage of criticism from political opponents, and none more venomous than ex-Mayor Red Ken Livingroom, who took time out from his ‘bird-watching’ activities down at Doggers Wood to chat with the media - confiding to one press hack from the Duffers Gazette that “Boris might well be ready to read the riot act over street thugs and instances of pissed-up vandalism but he’s overlooking the gross hypocrisy regarding the inebriated vandalism statement - if memory were to recall his university days and the Tory-infested Bullingdon Club laying waste to the entire Oxfordshire region every time they went on a bender and got shit-faced.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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