Thursday, 5 January 2012

R U a Jobless Crim? Join the Plods!

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Are your past sins catching up and taking their timely toll? Are you discovering your criminal record a handicap to securing lucrative employment in the current jobless depression landscape? Not a problem, worry no longer – do what hundreds of other scallies have – join Broken Britain’s ‘broken’ police force.

Following a Freedom of Information request filed by the Daily Shitraker gutter press tabloid, figures were released by 33 of the 43 forces in the UK which reveal that a minimum of 944 serving police and community support officers on their books alone have a conviction for at least one crime apiece – the index of which ranges across the entire spectrum of the felony alphabet - from arson to genocide to zoophilia.

Cambridgeshire, the City of London, Gloucestershire, South Wales, Northamptonshire, Smegmashire, West Yorkshire, Warwickshire and Wiltshire did not provide figures on the grounds that such would be a waste of time as 90% of their respective Plod Squads are composed entirely of criminal types.
Scumborough-on-Sea replied to the request with a fax stating “Fuck off an’ mind yer own effin’ business or you’ll get yer legs broken” – while Scotland’s crime and kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeenshire answered with “See you, Jimmy – kiss ma tartan arse”.

Britain's largest force, the Metropolitan Plod Squad, has more than 34,000 police and community support staff comprising its ranks - and admitted that 356 officers and 41 PCSOs – including two detective superintendents and a chief inspector - had criminal convictions. However, apparently the majority of these were for simple traffic offences – such as car theft, hit and run incidents and driving while shit-faced - but also included isolated incidences of burglary, drug dealing, rape, assault, perverting the course of justice, forgery, armed robbery, domestic violence – and one case of fishing without a licence.

A partial scary list – labelled as ‘horrifying’ by Mrs Chlamydia Ffinch-Mingerot, director of Plod-Watch, the police corruption sentinel charity – revealed the following statistics for the UK’s Plod Squads. Kent (49 convictions); Devon and Cornwall (44); Essex (42); South Yorkshire (35); Hampshire (31) and West Midlands (27).

Speaking to one press hack from the Skullduggery Gazette, Mrs Ffinch-Mingerot commented, with sarcasm aforethought, “Well, that little revelation provides a stellar piece of reassurance to let the public know they’re safe from criminal types, I think not.”

“When I spoke to Home Secretary Theresa Maybe on this matter yesterday she did admit in confidence, on the proviso I don’t tell more than a dozen, that an excess of 230 police officers up and down our green and pleasant land are in breach not only of the seven deadly sins but also the total Ten Commandments – with this bunch of miscreants currently on parole or probation - or penalised with Community Service Orders for their criminal actions – yet still wearing the blue uniform and a plant pot helmet.”

Conversely, in response, the Tory-run Home Office pointed out with visible relish that guidelines issued in 2003 by New Labour’s Home Secretary David Blunkett had proved to be fatally flawed – a matter of the blind leading the sighted, so to speak.
‘Blunkett’s Law’ as the precepts became known, stated that all Plod Squad officers should have a past record of proven integrity – such as coming from Sheffield and being a Labour Party member – or belonging to the Boy Scouts or Salvation Army – and never having their name entered in the Sex Offenders Register – due their everyday interaction with criminal types and hence vulnerability to corrupting pressures (large cash-in-hand bribes / blackmail) from career villains to reveal information and destroy prosecution evidence against them.

The 2003 guidance states that the UK’s Plod Squads should reject applicants with convictions for more serious offences – alike piracy, rape, pillage and murder - unless there were ‘exceptionally compelling circumstances’ – such as the candidate belonging to the same Masonic Lodge as the Chief Constable.

Juxtaposed with this litany of graft and corruption, an excess of 130 Metropolitan Plod Squad officers were allowed to resign in 2010 rather than facing misconducts panels – with a further 43 sacked outright for their sins – and none being part of the afore-mentioned 900-plus who have criminal records.
Now, does that give us a frightening insight into the composition and moral integrity of Broken Britain’s police force – or what?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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