Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Is D of E Gove’s Stupidity ‘Contagious’?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition’s Education Secretary Michael Gove, a former Pob impersonator and incumbent Tory MP for the Barking Mad constituency, has suggested that Broken Britain's economic problems be tossed to the capricious moods of the wind and proposes the taxpayer’s public purse gets further shafted up the back passage for a sum of £60 zilion quid to buy a new royal yacht for the shameless Wicked Windsor family - as a fitting gesture of servile obeisance by the peasant classes of our once-sceptred isle to mark Queen Lizzie’s diamond jubilee celebrations.

Excuse me, please pass the barf bags. WTF are we buying her a boat for when Mrs Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksburg (nee Lizzie Saxe-Coburg-Gotha) has more money stashed away in tax-dodging offshore accounts than Baron Ja’ackoff Rothshite and his ZioNazi crime syndicate?

In a letter to culture secretary Jeremy Crunt, the minister tasked with overseeing the jubilee’s arrangement, also copied to Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg, the cretinous Gove claims that the UK’s dire economic climate needs a large-scale Lucculan extravaganza to distract and boost the nation’s downcast spirits with some Busby Berkeley diversion on the scale of the Roman Games – or Animal House’s ‘Toga Party’.

Defending his suggestion before the House of Conmans assembly on Monday, Gove stated for the Hansard record that the Queen's ‘highly significant contribution’ of milking the economies of Britain and the Commonwealth should be recognised with a lasting legacy – which received a barrage of cat calls that she and her obnoxious, work-shy Greek spouse - His Royal Rudeness Prince Philip - already have that in the form of several castles and palaces funded from the public purse via housing benefits - and all unencumbered of council taxes.

New Labour’s shadow education secretary Fellattia van der Gamm opined to one press hack from the Duck Egg Gazette that “It’s my belief that this proposal has been fielded by the cabinet’s Nudge Unit in Downing Street – the place where the bullshit never sleeps – and they’ve got Gove to stick his neck out and pretend to have come up with the idea so there’s no comeback on Posh Dave Scameron.”

“Okay, Gove’s an archetype stooge and ideal Parliamentary patsy who’s simply never cottoned on to the fact that it’s bad enough to be thought a total moron without opening his mouth and confirming the fact. He’s been led up the garden path that suggesting the new royal yacht concept’s going to get himself a mention in the Birthday Honours list – perhaps a title of Sir – or Lord Gove of Barking Mad.”

“Unfortunately for Gove, while he’s gone into arse-creeping mode and mooching after a knighthood by trying to sell the new yacht idea to Jeremy Crunt, he’s totally overlooked the damning fact his ministry has just slashed the UK’s schools’ budget to ribbons like one of Freddy Kruger’s Elm Street victims - and now wants to squander more public money on these elitist privileged German-Greek parasites lording it over the peasantry from their housing benefit subsidised Buckingham Palace.”

Ms Bev Titwank, the director of Kunt-Watch, a privately-funded charity tasked with monitoring government abuses, informed media hacks “Gove’s a right tosser wot needs ter keep his effin’ eye on the D of E ball an’ not start fiddlin’ around wiv things wot don’t concern him – such as buyin’ the scumbag royals presents fer this profligate extravaganza of a diamond jubilee celebration. He’s a dribblin’, chinless wonder an’ a fuckwit wot doesn’t have the nuance ter qualify fer the classification of an effin’ half-wit. How the fuck he ever got inter the cabinet’s beyond me – he’d be better off wiv a job on the council at Camberwick Green or Trumpton.”

“Just look at wot the clot’s done wiv his thick-as-pigshit plans ter create a ‘bully’s charter’ fer schools so they can sack unsatisfactory teachin’ staff – an’ any poor sod an’ their dog whose face doesn’t fit - within one term instead of the current academic year rulin’.”
“Then ter add insult to bloody injury the moron’s goin’ ter mandate that head teachers an’ their vindictive staff subscribe ter his snitchers scheme an’ grass up anyone under investigation in an attempt ter stop the recyclin’ of staff wot’s sufferin’ from crotch itch scratchin’ spasms or involuntary meteorism, halitosis or galloping acne – or an annoyin' habit of speakin' their effin’ minds an’ refusin’ ter tow the government’s D of E brainwashin’ syllabus line.”

So, Diamond Jubilee be damned - after 60 years Lizzie’s well past her sell-by date anyways, hence why not get rid of the old baggage?
However, if Downing Street changes its mind, which is often the case with this bunch of career procrastinators, there’s a decent sized boat going cheap right now off the west coast of Italy – the Costa Concordia.
All it needs is a couple of weeks in dry dock, a 30 meter patch welding on the hull - and hire a skipper who can read a fucking chart - and a side scan sonar display. Then ‘voila!’ – a new Royal Yacht all ready to set sail for Lizzie’s Jubilee celebrations – and no snide remarks about hoping the maiden voyage follows the same course as last weekend’s and flounders yet again in the Tyrrhenian Sea off the island of Gigolo.

Thought for the day. Alas for the Tory Party, the imbecilic Gove’s latest faux pas has served to focus yet again the proletariat’s attentions on the class war paradox of the ‘haves’, the ‘have nots’ - and the ‘have yachts’.
Hmmm, if you follow the trail of wool from the garden gate it will no longer lead back to Pob’s sweater but shall rather loop over the bough of a tree and form a noose around Michael Gove’s scrawny neck.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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