Scotland’s Referendum: Tories Shit Kittens

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, the Tories have gone into panic mode, with PM Posh Dave Scameron running around like the proverbial headless chicken a performance complete with a hysterical display of arm-waving semaphore and frenzied semantic blather over the prospect of the United Kingdom fast becoming ‘un-united’ and Westminster losing control over the only piece of the UK that’s actually worth anything in the way of oil and grouse shoots.

So, what the fuck has brought about this looming calamity, one might ask? The reasons would lie with the intention of the fiercely chauvinist Scottish National Party under the corrupt leadership of former Toby Jug impersonator Alex ‘Three Chins’ Salmond to initiate a constitutional dispute by cutting loose from England and Welsh Wales to go it alone – with rumours abounding that they intend to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall to a height of three meters to keep Southern Sassenach scumbags out.

It has thus come to pass that our Caledonian cousins’ intransigence on this issue, to hold a referendum on their independence move, has provided cause for Scameron to join with the New Labour opposition’s wunderkind leader Ed Millipede in condemning the scheme to reduce Westminster’s fiefdom by a goodly third in land alone – regardless of income from north of the border – whereas the ruling Coalition’s Librarian-Dummercrat leader Mick Clogg opined to press hacks “Bollocks to them if they want independence – and good riddance too.”

While ignoring the Lib-Dum leader’s customary cancer-of-the-personality awkwardness, Scameron informed the House of Conmans that he believed passionately in the historic Union, with Millipede getting his two-penneth in and claiming any break up would do irrevocable damage to the UK's national flag - with all the St Andrew’s ‘Saltire’ blue bits missing. “Really, it simply won’t be the Union Jack anymore, now will it, eh – more like the Union Joke.”

According to Scabby Bertin, the Downing Street spokeswoman, Posh Dave - a man who by his very own Tory indoctrination and elitist public school / establishment upbringing has been conditioned to maintain the traditional ‘Them and Us’ status quo against all odds - apparently took a funny turn and became violently ill at Salmond’s initial mention of that foul ten-letter word ‘Referendum’ – a thing of derision that he is vehemently opposed to holding on any subject – especially so Broken Britain’s continued second class membership of the fatally-flawed EUSSR community – and now the prospect of the SNP demanding one to decide their future and discontinue being a part of the United Kingdom.

Speaking to one press hack from the Mutineers Gazette, Scameron related “It’s the 1746 Jacobite Rebellion all over again - with Bonny Prince Alex Salmond leading the bloody charge. We know precisely what’s behind this treachery - that piggy-eyed greedy oick doesn’t want to share his North Sea oil with us anymore.”

“I’m well aware that Alex hasn’t been too well after his sense of humour transplant rejected him last November and he’s stricken with some very serious lack of credibility issues, so I got straight on the blower to him up at Holyrood this afternoon and tried my best to work it out and offer a few concessions to get him to call the referendum thingy off.”
“I told him, honestly, Alex, if you blokes north of the border are dead set on independence then Britain’s really going to end up ‘broken’ now isn’t it – and all the Queen’s horses and men won’t be able to put it back together again.”

“Really, we can get legislation before Parliament this coming week and push it through on the tails of the Domestic Terrorism Bill – to stop people making jokes about Jocks in Frocks and Bonny Prince Charlie being gay - and taking the mick out of Robert the Bruce, calling him an Aussie bloke that beat the English with an army of spiders at Bannockburn.”

“I’m serious here, the Scots – including my very good Masonic brother Alex – have feeling too, and are culturally sensitive about our jibes concerning bagpipes and haggis and sporrans – and referring to them as a bunch of caber-tossing sheep-shaggers.”
“I kid you not, if Westminster and Holyrood fail to resolve the constitutional and legal issues on this one it could well end up being a re-enactment of the Battle of Culodden.”

So, politics aside, how the fuck do we trust the moronic Alex Salmond – a man whose ego and ambitions far surpass the scope of his limited intellect - with running Scotland without guidance and oversight from Westminster when he can’t even direct his Minister of Justice Kenny ‘Watch yer Pockets’ MacAskill and corruption-ridden Crown Office & Prosecution Procurator Fiscal Service to investigate the burgeoning sexual abuse and serial rape of special needs children scandal surrounding the country’s crime and kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen, involving a cabal of Masonic paedophiles – all ranking officials comprising the Grampian area’s local authority establishment?

The truth be know – we can’t.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.