Plod Squad Violence Flares Anew

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A former Snottingham Plod Squad constable has been found guilty of assaulting a suspected car thief. However, PC Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McTwatt denied kicking 16-year old Wayne Fuctifino during his arrest in the Slumborough Hamlets area of the city on 25th July last year, or for using what might be termed ‘unnecessary force’.

Crapfield Crown Court viewed actual CCTV footage of the controversial arrest and heard testimony from several eye witnesses that the hapless Mr Fuctifino was thrown against a wall, then Tasered and blasted in the face with hot chilli pepper spray before being handcuffed, pushed to the floor and giving a sound kicking.

McTwatt claimed he felt under threat from Mr Fuctifno due his uncooperative demeanour, and stated that when officers dealt with "non-compliant" prisoners – such as persons having the audacity to protest their innocence – or those suffering from the effects of alcohol or drugs – there was often a need to use reasonable and proportionate force.
Giving evidence in his own defence, McTwatt admitted landing a blow and flooring his prisoner but claimed he had followed standard police procedure by applying a recognised arrest technique known as ‘putting the boot in’.

At the time of the incident involving Wayne Fuctifino, PC McTwatt had been dealing with a report of a stolen Ford Fiesta and was pursuing two suspects from the abandoned vehicle along Scally Alley.
Apparently McTwatt ran headlong into Mr Fuctifno, who claimed he was out for his early morning jogging session and became annoyed when PC McTwatt tried to arrest him for car theft.

After he was ‘subdued’ and handcuffed by PC McTwatt, Mr Fuctifino was taken to the force's custody suite on Scrote Street but later transferred to the Queen's Medical Centre to receive treatment for a broken nose, fractured ribs, a collapsed lung and other severe facial injuries.

The court heard evidence that McTwatt was dismissed from the force in April after a psychopathic evaluation diagnosed him as a sadist with psychopathic tendencies.
A police disciplinary tribunal had ruled against him for using unreasonable force in two previous cases – when he head-butted Ms Chlamydia Mingerot, - a 16-year old mother of three suspected of shoplifting from Poundland in 2009 after she called him a ’dog wanker’.

McTwatt has also been suspended in 2008 following an internal investigation into injuries sustained by a certain Jacko Bogbrush, a 69-year old retired tortoise polisher, whom he arrested for being drunk in charge of a wheelbarrow outside the Pikeys Arms, one of the Troublespot Taverns pub chain, on the town centre’s notorious Pissheads Parade.

One whistle-blowing plod informed the court that McTwatt was often overheard boasting to other PC’s “That’s wot I joined the effin’ force for – ter give hoodies an’ chavs a good kickin’.”

Apparently McTwatt had a poster of Simon Harwood, the Met’ force’s Territorial Support Group thug who murdered an innocent passer-by: specifically news vendor Ian Tomlinson at the G20 demonstrations in 2009 – inside his changing room locker door - plus a news clipping photo of Sgt Delboy ‘Conan’ Stinkie, responsible for punching G20 protester Nicola Fisher in the face and who got off Scott free by disingenuously claiming that the orange juice carton she was holding looked very like a hand grenade.

However, the most condemning revelation was a news photo of Sgt Mark ‘Mad Dog’ Andrews dragging the 59-year old Pamela Somerville across the floor of Melksham police station in Wiltshire in July 2008, then bodily throwing the suspected ‘driving under the influence’ prisoner into a cell head first where she sustained serious facial injuries.

Apparently McTwatt’s superiors were concerned with the fact he’d written ‘My Heroes’ across the top of his ‘rogue’s gallery’ of barbaric plods.

Summing up the defence case, PC McTwatt’s legal brief, Sir Basil Bottomfeeder QC, of Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot, informed District Judge Rigby Ratstamper that the Crown should dismiss the case due the lack of proof his client had actually assaulted Mr Fuctifino as there was no compelling forensic evidence to back up the allegations – apart from the undeniable fact that Mr Fuctifino was dead.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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