Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Salford Falls to Victim to ‘Riot Fever’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Salford, once famous for its scat-laden ship canal and inland docks, and recently made newsworthy and popularised again by the celebrity gobshite cum Top Gear petrolhead show presenter Jeremy ‘Giraffe’ Clarkson as the place God built then promptly forgot about – is once more on the front pages of the gutter press tabloids following a copycat outbreak of seasonal Renta-Riot fever.

Salford’s Pomona Dock area ‘Numpty Crew’ gang, who’d watched the Tottenham riots bedlam on the goggle box over the weekend, decided they’d contribute their two-penneth of mayhem to the nation-wide chaos in a flawed attempt to wake the Libservative Coalition up to the fact that £60 quid a week Jobseekers allowance was the pits to finance an alcoholic lifestyle – even if settling for a magnum of B & Q’s finest vintage methylated spirits or similar tramp fuel.

Following a lunchtime boozing session around the city’s Troublespot Taverns pub chain – (financed by an astute business transaction at Cash Converters earlier that morning, involving the sale of a stolen 60 inch plasma screen TV – plus the mugging of two oldies for their pension money) – with the Numpty Crew quaffing pints of 7:5% ABV Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper lagers – and 8% Boddington’s Bolshie Bitter, all ending up at the Hooligans Arms on the corner of Scally Alley where they planned the finer points of their intended campaign of nihilistic sedition.

The first to fall victim to the 60-strong gang’s Project Loot was Achmed’s Sports World Emporium on Mullah Omar Street, where the shelves were stripped of hoodies, ski masks, jock straps and balaclavas - plus the entire stock of baseball bats and hockey sticks rifled – and “How’s this for an Arab Spring?” sprayed across the front window in fluorescent orange paint.

Reinforcing their ranks with a legion of like-minded scrotes as they proceeded, with rallying calls being conducted via BlackBerry’s and smart phones using texts and the Twitter / Facebook social networks, the gang next targeted the Ordsall Lane branch of Poundland, with the female contingent of skanks and slappers looting the store’s stocks of pre-Columbian Tupperware, hair extensions and counterfeit Man’ United t-shirts.

Obviously getting a second-wind thirst on due their nefarious pillage and plunder labours, the gang headed for Salford’s Shopping City on Wankinson Way where they laid waste to a branch of Boots, rifling the pharmacy section’s stocks of opiates, full strength Viagra and Black Mamba ribbed condoms – then hitting the Bargain Booze outlet next door, carting off a haul of crisps, Chateau de Plonk vino and cases of Pitbull Breweries extra-strong Tithead Tankard and 10% ABV ‘Dogbite’ lager to their campaign field headquarters at Islington Park.

Here they camped out around the duck pond and proceeded to get paralytic on their liquid spoils – which facilitated ease of arrest later that evening for the pursuing police officers who tracked the motley bunch down by following the trail of burned-out Plod Squad vans left in their wake along Molotov Cocktail Street.

Gang leader Wayne Bogbrush, an 18-year old unemployed skateboard mechanic, admitted responsibility for posting the Numpty Crew’s seditious political manifesto on Facebook – which basically consists of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle questioning the capacity of a revolution to turn an actual 360 degrees – and the likelihood of Posh Dave Scameron’s fatally-flawed Libservative Coalition government ever hanging in there for a full term.

Wayne, who has an NVQ1 in Barrack Room Law, informed arresting officers from the Greater Manchester Plod Squad “I ain’t sayin’ nowt that might incriminate me – but don’t yer just love the smell of burnin’ tyres in the mornin’.”

Waiting to appear before Salford Magistrates Court today on charges of affray and looting, Ms Chardonnay Titwank, a 16-year old mother of three, who was caught toting a carrier bag of chicken legs, beef patties and hot dogs stolen from Biffo’s Barf Burger chew n spew outlet on Knobhead Lane, confided to a news hack from the Mayhem Gazette “I do it fer the thrill an’ get me rocks off ter the sound of breakin’ glass.”

Were you part of last night’s riots around the Greater Manchester area? If you were unfortunate enough to miss out, just check Facebook’s ‘Anarchy Now’ or the ‘Chaos Theory’ webpages - or Twitter’s Riots-R-Us mass communications stream to keep up to date on the next scheduled ‘Merry Mayhem’ gathering near you.
Never forget, Big Bad Brother’s uniforms are monitoring all cyber activity and communications, so don’t be daft and use your own iPad or cellphone – borrow a friend’s and get them in the shit – or stay with BlackBerry Messenger’s ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’ feature and remain untraceable.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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