Friday, 12 August 2011

Super Mice Immune to Poisons - and Bullets!

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A team of egg-headed beardies and anoraks, each blessed with an IQ in excess of 165, and bestowed with more degrees that a thermometer - (yet paradoxically less common sense than a goldfish) - have been diligently researching a project commissioned by the UK Government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money into devising a politically-correct and RSPCA- acceptable method of ridding Parliament of infestations of noxious vermin.

No, not the House of Conmans MPs or the fat cat Lords, but actual four-legged furries – specifically ‘the mice’ (order ‘Rodentia’ and family ‘Muridae’ - under the Linnean index of taxonomy) that have invaded every crook and cranny of the Westminster Palace - and according to nasty rumours put out by Ed Millipede's New Labour propagandists, had even been bold enough nest in the cavernous knickers and hirsute snatch of Anne ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Widdecombe - prior to her retirement from active political life – proving themselves to be a hardy mammalian survivor in even the most inhospitable and harsh of physical environments.

The project has been commissioned due the fact that British house mice have developed a resistance to the strongest poisons and under the current pervasive hypocritical climate of morality, while it’s okay to bomb the shit out of women and kids in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and Palestine’s Gaza Strip concentration camp - it is most definitely not kosher to set inhumane spring traps around Parliament for Mrs Tittlemouse and her brood – nor import a clutter of manky moggies to play extraordinary rendition games of the ‘cat n mouse’ variety with their prey.

Apparently since the EUSSR Cross-Borders legislation came into force and our once-sceptre isle has been invaded by every fucker and their dog from the bankrupt 27 member community - all over here to sponge British welfare benefits - along too have come droves of Serbo-Croat ‘Pikey’ mice that had evolved a total immunity to all poisons after the entire Balkans region – from Albania to Zagreb - was carpet bombed with depleted uranium missiles and like munitions by NATO in the 1990’s.

The researchers claim this genetic feature has now been passed on to our common or garden British ‘house mouse’, rendering them also invulnerable to such old favourite tasty toxins as rapid bleed-out Warfarin.

However the shocker came when the research group discovered not only the super-VKORC1 Warfarin-resistant gene in the mouse DNA but what they have now termed the ‘Ironclad’ gene – believed to have also been transmitted from their Balkans cousins due cross-breeding.

This has manifested in a bizarre mutation, with the Serbo-Croat Pikey mice surviving on a diet of not only DU-contaminated ‘materials’ – which included high-end ceramic clay in a Srebrenica pottery targeted by NATO bombers - but also scrumptious helpings of military ‘Kevlar’ body armour on the corpses of troops who didn’t expect to be hit with Teflon rounds - which has enabled them to quickly evolve a rhino-hide type para-aramid skin, rendering the mice ‘bullet-proof’.

Thought for the day: It’s really nice to know that Britain’s dwindling mouse population will now thrive following the virtual extinction of our iconic ‘Church mice’ due to abject poverty and starvation since the Libservative Coalition came into power in 2010 and slammed the country with their dystopic austerity measures and crippling social service budget cuts – where even the odd half a communion cracker dropped under the pews became a bygone luxury.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Tony said...

Loved the Widdecombe line. Brilliant!!!