Sunday, 28 August 2011

Rioters Cram the Slammers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition Prisons Minister, Crispin Clunt, has declared that in his unqualified, moronic opinion the recent civil disturbances in major cities up and down our once-sceptred isle this month were going to be a "one-off" event now that the rioting scallies involved – or copy-cat contemporaries contemplating similar acts - have most definitely been dissuaded from repeats due the draconic custodial punishments handed down for acts of looting and arson – and being so stupid, breaking the 11th Commandment (getting caught) and ending up with their names – fingerprints, photos and DNA - in the Plod Squad’s ‘Naughty Book’ for all eternity.

Clunt informed one press hack from the Jailbirds Gazette that the British prison system can, and will prevail, and magistrates and judges alike should continue dishing out harsh custodial sentences to marginalized youths who dared give Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society the ‘big’ finger by having the audacity to launch their rebellious rampages and – like Colonel Gaddafi - spoil the Prime Minister’s vacation.

While the number of Her Majesty’s Prison ‘guests’ hit a record of 87,000 last week, largely driven by arrested rioters - with another 1,300 skangers behind bars for six months and more – and a further 797 subversive suspects still on remand, awaiting appearance before Crown Court judges, who have, as a body, been instructed by their political masters to come down hard on the nihilistic hooligans and plunderers.

On Friday HMP Scumbag in Smegmashire overflowed due the induction of the latest batch of teenage scallies jailed for their part in the riots, with extra bunks installed in designated two-man cells already occupied by hardened criminals, all short on the pleasures of the female form – creating what Minister Clunt aptly described as a ‘sodomite’s paradise’.
“This bunch of scrotes will think twice about rioting again - just wait until some hard case makes them his bum boy rental bitch and they’ve got a line of lags queuing up for a suck and swallow blow job or a butt fuck session.

Acting on orders from Minister Clunt, prisons chiefs have devised contingency plans in case they too run out of space – by contracting Ikea to supply 5,000 flat pack cells which will be housed in 40 foot shipping containers on board the decommissioned HMS Ark Royal aircraft carrier – anchored in the North Sea.

Regardless of Minister Clunt’s pledge to accommodate all riot-related hoodlums at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, Justice Secretary Ken ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Clarke reiterated his plan to make more use of community-based sentences for offenders guilty of less serious crimes - with unemployed subversive vandals forced into slavery, doing full time unpaid work – re-classified under the ‘political correctness’ label as ‘community payback’.

The scheme aims to force offenders to work a minimum of 28 hours over four days on manual labour projects such as removing anti-establishment graffiti from walls and bus shelters – and licking pavements clean - with the fifth day to be wasted searching for a non-existent ‘real job’.

Clarke told a reporter from the Totalitarians Review "People want assurances that sentences being served by offenders in the community are providing adequate punishment and that they’re being carried out under a regime of stern-eyed supervision."
“Hence I’ve decided to recruit New Labour’s ex-Sleazeborough MP, Jacqui Smith to administer the project – having chain gangs of teenage prisoners decorating her friend’s houses and looking after their gardens.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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