Paddington’s Arctic Cousin Eats Teen

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An 800 kilo Norwegian polar bear, obviously fed up with being antagonised and harassed by a party of five young British tourists taking photos and trying to feed it a pack of Walker’s seal-flavoured crisps, spit the proverbial dummy and gave them a right good mauling for their trouble - then feasted on one after the others pulled a tactical retreat and buggered off sharpish.

The hapless group, reportedly comprised of three boys and two girls, all aged fifteen years, belong to the British Schools Exploring Society and had been camping close to the remote Von Numptyberg glacier inside the Arctic Circle, located some forty kilometres from Longyearbyen, undertaking global warming research for a 2012 A-level exam paper.

Ms Titsup Trollenheim, a spokeswoman for the governor’s office in Tromsoe, told one reporter from the Roadkill Gazette "We got a call via satellite phone from a British group of campers that their pet polar bear had turned nasty and attacked them – then eaten one of the party.”
"There are no roads in the area of the Von Numptyberg glacier where the incident happened so we scrambled a helicopter and the surviving group members were airlifted to Longyearbyen Hospital.”
“Luckily their injuries were only slight – it was more a matter of the involuntary bowel movements they had all suffered when the bear decided it didn’t want to play any more and turned on them.”

Group leader Bazzer McScrote, still partially traumatised following the ordeal, spoke to press hacks at the Longyearbyen medical clinic after a shower and changing his underpants.
“We’d bin up there a couple of days an’ no effin’ problems, then one of our chicks, Candida Muffitch, sees this polar bear an’ sez “Aw, doesn’t it look cuddy – like Paddington’s Arctic cousin” an’ goes off ter stroke it an’ gets us ter take some photos of her sat on its back.”
“Next thing the effin’ bear gets a bit of a snot on an’ gives us a right good maulin’ and digs its teeth inter Candi’ leg an’ starts ter eat her. One of the lads grabs his Gat air pistol an’ shoots the fuckin’ thing in the ear, point blank, which just pisses the fucker off even more, so it chases us across the glacier then goes back ter finish its dinner – wot unfortunately turned out ter be Candida.”

Sgt Wodin Nogson, the Wildlife Warden for the Von Numptyberg region, told the media “This animal is an adult Ursus Maritimus, a three-quarter ton polar bear, not some koala you can cuddle and kiss, but one that ranges over a vast icy landscape, using its acute sense of smell to locate their favoured prey of blubber-rich school children, chubby teenage couch potatoes and brightly-clothed chavs.”

“If needs must, they will, like many bears, adapt and evolve their behaviour to suit the variations in seasonal or climatic conditions. Polar bears have been known to feast on Alaskan oil drillers; while one bear in the Canadian far north has been recorded undertaking an epic nine-day swim to reach new feeding grounds at the Hudson Bay branch of McDonalds Chew n Spew.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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