Scameron AWOL – Willy Vague in Charge

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The vaunted EUSSR eurozone community is in a state of self-consuming socio-economic collapse and the single currency euro worth less than a bottle top as share prices plummet – while over in our once-sceptred isle of Albion the streets are devoid of any and all cohesive principle, and rife with mob rule under the schism of violent revolt caused by this pathetic elitist government’s ‘austerity measures’ being the cause of massive social deprivation and the mobilisation of a dispossessed generation of malcontents who have sweet fuck all to lose and everything to gain.

“Who the fuck’s in charge of this circus without a tent – where’s our leadership?” cry the harried ranks of the ‘haves’ – faced with the wrath of the ‘have nots’ - as London burns and the Libservative’s manky ‘Millionaire’s Cabinet’ are all off on their hol’s – far from the smouldering ruins of Tottenham – an area of London with the highest recorded levels of unemployment and homelessness in the known Universe.

Yes, where indeed is the nation’s leadership? Whose hand is on the helm of this fatally-flawed Libservative Coalition ship of state as the Greater Metropolitan area was convulsed with riots and violence – a radical phenomenon that’s going national at a geometric rate? Well, we have the closet case Foreign Secretary Willy Vague – who’s as much use as tits on a bull.

As to the rest, PM Posh Dave Scameron, Deputy PM Mick Clogg, Home Secretary Teresa Maybe and the man with his finger on the nation’s feeble economic pulse, Chancellor George Osborne – they’ve all gone off on holiday – along with the numpty thatch-headed London Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense - leaving FS Vague to do his headless chicken act and make an even bigger mess of the cataclysmic shambles that now rules the capital’s streets by pronouncing “Crisis – what crisis?”

While the former deputy prime minister Lord John “I Beat Bulimia” Prescott takes a tour of smouldering Tottenham and loots an abandoned chippy of its meat pie stocks, he comments to news hacks “Where the fuck’s Bonkers Boris and the other senior politicians, I ask you? All the bloody lot gone AWOL and most conspicuous by their absences. Have these twats got any idea about the concept of leadership? The dreaded Curse of Callaghan strikes yet again.”

However London’s hedonistic Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has bowed to pressure by cutting short his holiday as last night’s violence escalated and is due back in London at lunchtime next Friday – and perhaps sooner if the rioters aim to target his Boris Bikes.

New Labour leader Ed Millipede, speaking to the press from his safe haven at the family caravan in Devon, opined to the media that the Coalition needed to demonstrate better leadership not only concerning the pathetic state of the UK’s economy - but also PM Scameron being on the ground personally to read the Riot Act in Tottenham.

The first comment was apparently a dig at Scameron’s keeping in contact with the Bank of England Governor, King Mervyn Kong, by sending each other post cards every other day.

Millipede too now intends to jump on the bandwagon and return to London, informing one aide “It’s a disgrace – these rioters just walking into shops and stealing 60 inch plasma screen TVs when I’m stuck with a 26 inch from Argos at home.”

Contrary to Ed Millipede’s opinions of what PM Scameron should be doing, FS Vague, best remembered for his failure to make the grade as Tory Party leader, informed the press that all was well and PM Scameron was on his way home – and had definitely not Twittered “Fuck Tottenham, let the dump burn – and all those scally oicks with it!”

But as a third night of rioting, generalised violence and looting draws to a close, Posh Dave is following the good example set by Home Secretary Teresa Maybe and cutting short his Italian vacation to chair an emergency meeting of the conspicuously reptilian 'Cobra Snakebite Committee', leaving sexy Sammy and the sprogs at the Butlins camp in Tuscany.

So, will his hand soothe troubled waters and bring order out of chaos. Doubtful, for Scameron is the last type of Hooray Henry elitist clot the disaffected Bolshie mobs inhabiting London’s marginalised housing estates want to see.

Despite Scameron’s sophistry, pledging that the Coalition would work relentlessly – like a lizard drinking – to sort out Britain’s myriad problems caused by 13 years of mismanagement under New Labour, this is his ‘third’ lavish foreign holiday in the last four months. Austerity might be the order of the day for the oicks, perhaps, but not for the ruling elitists. Hmmm, yet another slap in the face with a wet fish for the British peasants.

Conversely, the national media pages are pretty well devoid of criticism of our exalted leaders, with the Daily Suckholer reporting on a more scent than substance story from Italy that PM Scameron is such a tight-fisted git that he didn’t tip a café waitress – but when this damning social faux pas was pointed out he grabbed the photo-shoot opportunity to return a couple of days later, bought two drinks for 5.10 euros and told waitress Candida Mingerotti to keep the change from a £5 quid note.

Ms Mingerotti told press hacks “I just thought he was another cheap Charlie British tourist but he came back and said he’d made a mistake and wanted to tell me not to worry because I did not recognise him – so I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him “No problem, Ed’.”

“Mr Millipede is really lovely. I like the dominant way he trod all over his brother David to seize the leadership of the New Labour Party – just like my old hero Mussolini would have done"
“Okay, in English, what is the ‘oick’ word that he call me – is this some term of endearment?”

On landing at Thiefrow earlier today and speaking to the press, PM Scameron denied that one of the first priorities on the Cobra Snakebite Committee’s agenda will be to turn the Isle of Dogs into an internment camp then arrest everyone and their dog within the boundaries of the M25 on charges of Orwellian ‘Thought Crimes’.

Conversely Flatbrokes, the UK's ubiquitous High Street bookies, are giving odds on that the lacklustre police response, with the Plod Squad riot crews standing back and allowing looters to pillage both large department stores and private small businesses, was contrived and will be hastily exploited by the system to provide the reason to slap a curfew and martial law system in place within a couple of days, and turn Britain into an even more dystopic panopticon surveillance police state.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.