Sunday, 21 August 2011

Ofcom Fine Squawk-Squawk Mega-Bucks

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s communications industry regulator Ofcom has slapped phone and internet services provider Squawk-Squawk and its Piscali subsidiary with a massive fine of £3 zillion quid for incorrectly billing more than 65,000 customers for services they had not received - following an investigation into the two businesses that was kick started back in July 2010 as a result of more than 100,000 complaints from users that their services were ‘absolute shite’.

Squawk-Squawk’s chief executive, Ms Dildo Hardon, told one press hack from the Crapmongers Gazette that she was disappointed at the scale of the fine as the company had forked out an excess of £2.5 zillion nicker in refunds and goodwill payments to affected customers.
As a result of this action, and other remedial measures by the company to rectify the mass of problems, Ofcom replied to the criticism that the fine was far less than would have been imposed if Squawk-Squawk had ignored the myriad glitches reported in the complaints.

The company, which bought Piscali UK in 2009, initially blamed the billing errors on their outsourced accounting department in Delhi which lacked staff with a basic knowledge of rudimentary maths and simply invoiced customers £250 per month, regardless of usage, via direct debit – which resulted in colossal overdraft charges for the more fortunate clients - and bankruptcy for scores of others.

However it wasn’t only the billing system that encountered problem, but the actual supply of cellphone units too. One customer in Smegmadale signed up for a 12 month Squawk Mobile contract with unlimited free texts and received two Ovaltine cans and a long length of string through the post instead of the advertised Crapple iPhone 4.

Vinnie McTwatt, the editor of Chav Power magazine signed up with Squawk-Squawk and got his requested Blackberry Curve 9300 smartphone - with 100 minutes of free calls, 500 texts and 1 gig of data – only to discover every time he tried to use the unit he received an ‘out of coverage’ area message.
“I mean ter say, there I am stood outside our effin’ office an’ they got this fuckin’ big cellphone antenna on the roof an’ it sez I’m still outside the coverage area. Summat’s fucked, init, eh.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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