P.I. Claim Judged ‘Own Stupid Fault’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A pissed-up slapper who hit her head on the bottom of a swimming pool during a late-night binge drinking party at Pikeys Crotch in Slurrey’s stockbroker belt has lost her personal injury claim to extort £6 zillion quid in damages at the High Court.
Chlamydia Slimes, now 23, of Fiddlesticks Lane, Barratry-on-Sea, was left paralysed from the nipples down when she fractured her spine and sense of dignity – and suffered brain damage after tomb-stoning head-first into the three foot end of the pool in 2006.

While the owner of the property, Frank McScrote, denied liability and informed the court he considered the pool safe when used by sensible, sober swimmers, Ms Slimes conversely claimed her injury was caused by McScrote’s negligence and breach of his duties under the Occupiers' Liability Act as there was no lifeguard on duty at 1:30 am that particular morning – plus a conspicuous absence of strategically placed warning signs stating, in the required number of HSE-stipulated foreign languages, “Slappers Be Aware: Do Not Dive into the Shallow End – Brain Damage May Occur!”

The court heard that McScrote and his wife Titsy were away on the night of the accident, but their 17-year old daughter Mingeeter had asked ‘Daddy’ if she could have a few of her female school chums around for a girly gangbang sleepover.

Following a blow out at the local Troublespot Taverns pub in the village on flaming shots of Sambuca and Jagerbombs, chased down with glasses of 8% ABV Bitch Thumper lager, a group of twenty arrived back at the McScrote mansion to continue their partying with bottles of Meths Breezers, Shite Lightning and an assortment of similar potency ‘tramp fuel’.

Giving evidence, Mingeeter claimed she didn’t invite Ms Slimes around - but who turned up anyway and gate-crashed the affair – and also stated for the court record that she didn’t expect people to go swimming at that time of the night, but as she was unable to stop them, turned on the pool lights for their safety.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, QC, defending for the McScrotes, pointed out that no accident had ever previously, or since, occurred in the 30 foot long pool which was only 6 feet at its deepest point - and a mere 3 feet at the shallow end – apart from the instance where one swimmer was bitten by the pet crocodile, Fangs.

Barton Twatt, QC, for Ms Slimes, claimed his client was clearly invited back to the party and lent swimming kit by Ms McScrote, then further encouraged to show off her diving skills – accusations that were vehemently denied by the defence as disingenuous - and perjurious concoctions manufactured by the litigation team and tutored to Ms Slimes to support the liability factors of her pathetic personal injury claim.

For the defence, Ms Sapphie Dildodo, the manager of Tammy Tumour’s Tanning Parlour in the Pikeys Crotch village, gave testimony that “We woz all as pissed as rats when we got back ter Mingeeter’s place, and I woz sat round the pool wiv Bev Cameltoe an’ me mate Fellattia Titwank, swiggin’ on a bottle of Old Headbanger lager.”
“Next bleedin’ thing Chylamydia Slimes turns up wiv a couple of her butch dyke mates an’ snorts some nose candy on top of the effin’ ecstacy she’s popped already an’ decides ter go skinny dippin’ - but fucks up royally as she dives inter the shallow end an’ smacks her effin’ head on the bottom. Then it’s all chaos an’ mayhem cos a couple of us had ter get our arses wet an’ pull the barmy bitch out while Mingeeter got on the blower an’ called up the Plod Squad an’ the emergency services paramedics.”

Presiding Judge Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle, whose main concern centred on the issue of liability, focused her scrutiny on Ms Slimes inebriated and stoned condition – and too the point she moronically chose to dive from considering the amount of plonk she’d quaffed back.
Returning a verdict that no sound legal basis existed on which the McScrote family could be held liable for the accident, which happened in an unremarkable swimming pool on domestic premises, when the claimant, an adult, chose to do something stupid - which involved an obvious risk of injury when diving into relatively shallow water.

“While the court recognises and is fully cognisant of your desire to attach the blame for this act of inebriated foolishness onto a third party, and be thus be exempt of all blame, and too handsomely compensated for such, to an extent of £6 million pounds; in this case the bill for your stupidity must be filed to your own account. Case dismissed and the right to file any further appeal denied.”

Thought for the day: Moral of the story – don’t go swimming or diving into pools when you’re stoned and / or pissed rotten drunk.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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