Plod Squad Arrest - er - Plods

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a comedy of errors that has to be synonymous with a Brian Rix ‘Whitehall’ farce, surpassing even the ludicrous buffoonery of Max Sennett’s Keystone Cops, one of Britain's top plods and his deputy were arrested yesterday as part of the wide-ranging ‘Operation Thieving Gits’ investigation into UK police corruption and fraud that has been initiated following the News International scandals and exposure of the culture of endemic bribery and generalised wrong-doing prevalent throughout not only the Met’s HQ at Scotland Yard but the rest of the country, where anything and everything are up for sale to the highest bidder.

Chief Constable Sean McTwatt and Deputy Chief Constable Dudley Dipshit, both of Cleveland Police, have been suspended from their posts pending an investigation into misconduct in a public office, fraud by abuse of position, along with a catalogue of criminal and corrupt practices – including dogging and public cottaging offences that would shame even the rabble that comprised the Tony Bliar-led New Labour cabinet.

A third person, understood to be the force's former head of legal services, Beverly Titwank, was also in custody. However, a team of Warwickshire Police officers, who are leading the investigation, primarily refused to confirm her name, age or bra size until one accommodating News International gutter press journalist hacked into their computers and cellphone messaging service and discovered her identity.

The investigation is being headed by Warwickshire's Chief Constable, Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, with tactical support from North Yorkshire’s elite Plod Squad, who are tasked with conducting a criminal investigation into the affairs of a number of people with current or past associations with the Cleveland Police Authority, concerning charges of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

Ms Candida Mingerot, spokeswoman for the Independent Police Coverups Commission, informed one press hack from the Daily Shitraker that the allegations came to light during a review by Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary into the dubious manner certain ranking officials within the Cleveland Police Authority had been conducting their business – on a par with that of cash-in-hand traders at a pikey car boot sale.

Chief Constable McTwatt, who left his office in handcuffs yesterday sporting a Cheshire cat style shit-eating grin that seemed to convey a message of “I’m a Freemason – yer can’t touch me!”, is already under investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission for allegedly using ‘undue influence’ to secure a top salaried position in the Cleveland Police Authority structure for the 16-year old daughter of his personal ‘therapist’ at the Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Salon, located in Cleveland’s Jackoff Lane red light district.

All three miscreants were last night being questioned by detectives at Skangers Wood police station in North Yorkshire, while officers armed with a sheaf of warrants searched the accused homes and a number of related premises around Cleveland in a bid to locate the rumoured huge stashes of illicit earnings and plant a variety of incriminating evidence.

Stop press: Watch this space – more resignations, arrests and assisted suicides imminent.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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