Monday, 29 August 2011

NHS Mulls UK Public’s State of Fatness

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, chairman of the Ministry for What can we Fuck with Next’s think tank, initially calculated that recession-related redundancies, mass unemployment and homelessness – juxtaposed with generalised socio-economic difficulties - would solve the burgeoning obesity problems blighting the British public.
Conversely, it appears that with having nothing to do apart from sign on at the Jobcentre once a fortnight, and get out and about for an hour a day scrounging around the local landfill site or their local Greedy Grocer supermarket - shop-lifting for dinner – then people are just sat on their arses watching telly all day.

Thus Sir Dinsdale is pressing for tougher action – such as increased taxes on chew n spew junk food and those fizzy soft drinks loaded with toxic aspartame sweetener - if the obesity crisis is going to be tackled before someone does a Mr Creosote and actually explodes.
“We don’t have a National Health Service here in Britain – it’s a National Sickness Service – catering to people’s ills caused by their disgusting dietary habits instead of promoting the 5-a-day diet and exercise and staying clear of high carb’ crap and soft drinks.”
“I mean, how moronic can we get – gastric bypasses indeed. The Nazis came up with the best weight loss programme ever at Auschwitz – the ‘Concentration Camp Diet’ - forced labour and less than 100 calories per day – and you didn’t see too many fatties in that place.”

The Ministry’s researchers, who have published a series of articles in the Corpulence Review magazine, claim that – no pun intended and love handles besides - the government and NHS has yet got to ‘get a grip on’ the problem before health systems are swamped with obesity-related problems, such as diabetes and heart disease – which now account for 6% of health care costs in the UK – further predicting that illnesses and disabilities caused by obesity will rise to 40% by 2030.

The Gorgonesque ginger-mingin Public Health Minister Anne Milton, told gutter press reporters that the government believed the best way to achieve results was through a collective voluntary effort and forcing a pledge from the food and drinks industry to put calorie information on menus - and to reduce fat, sugar and salt - and ensure healthier options are available.
“Believe you me, we don’t need a crystal ball to see what’s going to happen down the road a few years from now. Turn up at your family GP’s surgery – or at a hospital’s A & E with some health problem and the first action will be an obesity assessment and patients, if grossly overweight, getting slapped with a ‘fat rat tax’ for the treatment provided.”

However, Frank Sloth, the director of the human rights related ‘Who’s Fat?’ charity, opined to one press hack from Flab Magazine “Yeah, wot a fuckin’ example the effin’ Libservative Coalition’s settin’ fer the public wiv twats like their lard-arsed Local Communities Secretary – Mr Eric ’I Beat Bulimia’ Prickles impersonatin’ an effin’ Teletubbie. Then yer got that other fat cunt, Lord John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott, the dumpy pillock wot ate all the pies – an’ that Tory MP Ann ‘Deadweight’ Widdecombe wot woz on Strictly Come Dancin’ getting’ dragged round the floor on her arse an’ givin’ her partner an’ effin’ hernia tryin’ ter lift her up.”

“Wot they needs is ter introduce legislation like wot they have fer Class A drugs – make the fuckers illegal or by doctor’s prescription only. So if yer needs a massive carbs boost or yer chewin’ yer effin’ fingernails down ter the root fer some sweeties, then yer got ter go ter see yer local quack an’ get a prescription fer a pack of Eccles Cakes or a Mars Bar or a bag of M & M’s.”
“Really, we never had problems wiv folk bein’ overweight when every fucker smoked 40 a day.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: