Saturday, 20 August 2011

Double-Standard Sentencing Plagues Courts

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

UK Magistrates have been issued with a directive by Her Majesty’s Courts and Tribunals Service to disregard normal sentencing guidelines when dealing with those convicted of offences committed during the outbreak of recent riots that finally woke the Libservative Coalition up to the fact there’s something very wrong with their multi-cultural Big Society.

The HMCTS directives, given in open court by justices' clerks, will result in piss-ant petty theft and social nuisance cases that would usually be disposed of by a gaggle of numpty magistrates slapping offenders with a few quid fine, or an Asbo or community service order, now being referred to the crown court for more severe punishments.

However Downing Street has denied rumours that those convicted have received punitive sentences for offences that would normally attract a far lesser penalty due PM Posh Dave Scameron ordering Justice Secretary Ken ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Clarke to ensure rioters and looters involved with the ‘social meltdown’ copped for harsh sentences for spoiling his sunny tosspot vacation in Tuscany.
Hmmm, ‘Buy British’, so he fucks off to Butlins in Italy – good example Dave.

In Manchester, Candida McSkank, a 16-year old mother of three from the Stench Hill sink or swim social housing estate, was jailed for five months for receiving a six pack of Meths Breezers given to her after they had been looted from a city centre branch of Troublespot Taverns.

Likewise, in south London, Bazzer Fuctifino, a 17-year old unemployed apprentice skateboard mechanic from Slumborough Hamlets, was sentenced to six months hard labour in Dartmoor’s Marmite quarries for stealing a roll of triple tinted toilet tissue from one of the Pestco ‘Greedy Grocer’ supermarket branches – regardless of the fact he pleaded ‘justifiable looting’ due having a case of ballistic diarrhoea after eating at Biffo’s Barf Burger chew n spew fast food outlet – and offered his heavily skid-marked jockey shorts as Exhibit A.

While PM Scameron is on the Parliamentary Hansard record as telling the recalled House of Conmans that anyone involved in the violent disorder riots and looting should to go to prison; the Ministry of Justice, after coming under a mortifying shower of criticism from human rights and wrongs groups, has now denied it advised HM Courts and Tribunals Service to come down hard on convicted hoodies, chavs, and any other scallies and scrotes – and definitely did not issue a directive to ‘hang the fuckers’.

While magistrates can only sentence offenders to a maximum of six months in prison for a single offence, the chairman of the Magistrates' Association, Sir Genghis McTwatt, has been pressing the government to raise their maximum sentencing power to five years.

Speaking to one press hack from the Misanthropy Gazette, McTwatt opined "Many of these cases would have been dealt with more expeditiously and cheaper if we had expanded powers and could sentence the Bolshie anarchist bastards to twenty strokes of the lash – or a week in the pillory – or tar and feathering – or branding."

Conversely, civil rights groups have raised serious questions regarding this perceived ‘double-standard’ now applied in our iconic British law – one for the common herd peasantry and one for the elitists – when the recent sentences handed out to persons accepting looted goods of minimal financial value far surpass those levied on crooked MPs who knowingly, and with criminal malice aforethought, fiddled their Parliamentary expenses to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds and got away with slap on the wrist custodial sentences – of which they’re serving but a mere fraction.

Such was exampled by New Labour’s ginger-minging dumpy dwarf Hazel Sneers, the brass-necked MP for shitty Salford, who coined in mega-bucks by fiddling her expenses and claiming the max’ on whatever possible – but was let off with a finger-wagging and a couple of ‘tut-tut’s’ when she admitted ‘Whoops, sorry – can I pay it back?” – an offer not made available to looters willing to return their stolen tellys or trainers – or bling jewellery.

Sir Peter Sniggers, the Tory MP for Old Scrotum, who claimed thousands of pounds for a floating pagoda ‘duck island’ for his back garden pond, had his name entered into the Parliamentary Whip’s naughty book and was told not to do it again.
Likewise Douggie Hogg, the Tory MP for Sleazeford, who claimed what accountants refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ to have the moat around his country pile dredged of peasants bodies – was likewise issued a half-arsed reprimand for breaking the 11th Commandment – getting caught out on his felonious claims.

Disgraced former New Labour MP for Dun Thievin, David Cheator, who made £22,000 nicker in false expenses claims, was sentenced in January to 18 months for forging tenancy documents and invoices – then released from prison in May under the conditions of Home Detention Curfew after serving a mere 4 months.

Eric Illsley the New Labour MP for Robbers Clough, admitted three charges of false accounting at Southwark crown court and making false claims for £14,500 quid. Illsley copped for a custodial sentence of 12 months imprisonment in February, and was released on the 13th May 2011 after serving three months - but will have to suffer the inconvenience and social stigma of wearing an electronic tag for the remainder of his term.

Fat Cat Tory peer Lord Hanningfield - aka Paul Edward Winston Shite - was sentenced to a 9 months custodial sentence by Maidstone crown court in July 2011 for falsely claiming £14,000 nicker on expenses but is appealing his sentence due the fact he doesn’t feel well and prison won’t suit him.

Likewise, yet another Upper House Fat Cat, Lord Wormhole Taylor of Warwick, the son of Jamaican immigrants who rose to attain an NVQ1 diploma in Barrack Room Law and became the first Tory peer to sport a permanent suntan, was sentenced to 12 months imprisonment in June for falsely claiming £11,000 quid in expenses for a house he never lived in.
Taylor disingenuously stated in court that he was a devout Pastafarian, who belonged to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and had spent the money on helping the poor – specifically himself – to fund his fairytale honeymoon to American evangelist Chlamydia Mingerot at Paris Disneyland’s ‘Sleeping Beauty’ suite – a contrived gold-digging marriage that just managed a half-life of 24 days before the bride obtained an annulment on the grounds Taylor was a lying cunt.

The former Smegmadale New Labour MP, Jim Devine, who initially faced two charges under Section 17 of the Theft Act 1968 for false accounting and swindling the taxpayer out of over £8,000 quid, was sentenced to 16 months imprisonment back in March but released on August 1st after serving a mere quarter of his sentence.

Elliot Morley, the New Labour MP for Cunthorpe, who fiddled £31,000 quid in false expense claims, was handed down a 16 month custodial sentence back in May and is due for early release after serving 4 months at the cushy Ford Open Prison in West Sussex.
In what might be termed ‘poetic justice’, two weeks ago fellow prisoners robbed the hapless Morley of his £3,000 quid Rolex watch – probably bought from fiddled expenses cash.

These scumbags, elected to office on the public trust, committed their crimes then had the brazen hubris to seek refuge from rightful prosecution and the reach of true justice by claiming indemnity under the most dubious statute of Parliamentary privilege - to be tried by their fellow crooks in the House of Conmans.

What is equally amazing is the fact they were prosecuted in the Crown Court, where the sentencing parameters are ‘limitless’, yet such as Eric Illsley got off with a 12 month sentence and served a mere quarter of the term – while Magistrates courts are handing down full six month sentences for looting or receiving items of little value – or referring those convicted to the Crown Court to be dealt longer prison terms – where this week Bev Titwank, a masseuse at Bristol’s Rub n Tug whole body therapy salon, copped for a two year prison term for ‘theft by finding’ when she picked up a pack of cigarettes dropped by rioters who had looted an Achmed’s news kiosk in the city centre.

To quote Dicken’s Mr Bumble the Beadle: “If that Sir is the law, then the law is an ass.”
Oh yes, something stinks in Denmark – and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.

Thought for the day: Anyone notice the bit of a sore thumb conflicting contrast between the gaggle of disgraced MPs sentencing – and early release dates – for stealing thousands in taxpayers money on knowingly fiddled expense claims to that of the hapless 14-year old Winnebago Chuckabutty who was turned in to the Plod Squad by his own mother for looting a packet of crisps from Bargain Booze and copped for a custodial 6 month sentence in one of her Majesty’s Young Offenders sodomite paradises?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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