Princess Di' Assisted Suicide Memorial Awards

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The air around the red top gutter press and associate cesspit media is a miasma, thick with dust from the Rumour Mill, as it rends the speculative grist of who’s a favourite to be on this year’s shortlist for a prize - or even a passing mention - at the Princess Diana Assisted Suicide Memorial Awards - to be held in Paris later this month to celebrate the 14th anniversary of her ritual murder in 1997.

Diehard fans of the ‘People’s Princess’ might well remember how her star-crossed driver Henry Paul was blinded by the intense flash of a strobe light, aimed from the pillion of an MI6 motor cycle, then her Mercedes saloon side-swiped by a white Fiat Uno, driven by Prince Phillip and his ZioNazi Freemason mercenary cohorts, to cause the fatal crash in the Pont de l’Alma Tunnel and prevent her from not only marrying her Muslim playboy ‘armant’ Dodo al Fayed - and flaunting her pregnancy by him – but to ensure she never made her scheduled trip to the Gaza Strip and West Bank in Palestine that September as the next stop on her embarrassing global anti-land mine crusade.

The first prize in last year’s awards went to the Ernst Zündel Institute for Inconvenient Truths, for Ernst’s work in exposing the Israeli Zionists colossal exaggeration of the Holohoax list of casualties – which he termed as ‘more scent than substance’ and ‘used as the excuse to steal Palestine’ – factors hotly contested and denied by the Zionist AIPAC kikester lobbyist group that dominates US politics, and which had him extradited to Canada, then imprisoned in Germany - for daring to have the audacity to pose awkward questions regarding the veracity of the Final Solution con.

The non-specific awards are for a diverse category of social endeavours across the full spectrum of society – art, music, literature, the stage, film, philosophy, political activism, medicine and industrial innovations - with ex-New Labour Prime Minister and current Mid-East Peace Envoy Tony Bliar, copping for a consolation prize in 2010 for - as the judges determined “His pathological inability to tell the truth” – and “having the same credibility problems as the arse end of a pantomime horse” – and being “the type of person who gives criminals a bad name”.

Topping the speculation "Who's on it?" index for the 2011 awards is internationally-acclaimed celebrity designer Jimmy Choo-Choo for his innovative and ground-breaking work with First Crapita and Rattle-Track Railways in the conception of the ‘InterShitty 125’ trains for the UK’s planned high speed rail system - now scheduled to be operational between Euston and Luton around 2015 since the prototype Shinkansen Super Bullet crashed off a viaduct into a ravine in China recently and sent the anoraks back to the drawing board with serious concerns over their new rail gauge stability.

Flatbrokes, the ubiquitous High Street bookies, are offering favourable odds on Troublespot Taverns being in the running for a top end prize due their community project efforts to help curb the UK's binge drinking culture by lowering the ABV of their Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper lagers from 8.0% down to a more socially-acceptable 6.5% - and barring sales of their ‘Bloodsport Breweries’ Full Strength Crap Brew Ales – especially the ‘Meths Breezers’ and ‘Tithead Tankard Special’ brands - to anyone under the age of 65.

Word is out that the Heath Robinson engineering innovators, Wallace and Gromet, have been stricken from the awards’ shortlist this week for stooping to ‘feel good’ advertising by prostituting themselves for profit in fronting an ‘old boiler’ / combi’ unit replacement commercial for exiled Russian oligarch Oleg Mobsaroubles’ Gulag Gaz Corporation – and then doing a stand-up comedy act on Channel 69’s Tom Foolery Show.

Chinese political activist and celebrity dissident Sum Dum Fuk, jailed as a prisoner of conscience in the People's Marxist Utopia since 2001 for his human rights and wrongs abuse campaigns against the governing Politburo, has been short-listed for his best-selling bio’ – The Life & Times of a Soft-Boiled Egg - smuggled out and published in Europe – concerning his life in China’s Smiley Face Transplant Organ Donor Prison – serving a ten year hard labour sentence slaving away in the Wanking Province’s Marmite mines.

Mr Dum Fuk, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for Anarchy in 2002 - ‘in absentia’ – was allowed by Chinese authorities to send a message to the Nobel Committee turning down the prize due the fact he was a common criminal – which when translated from the Mandarin original text proclaimed a most cryptic “We’d have ham and eggs if we had any eggs, but we’ve got no ham so we can’t.”

Roland Rat, television’s philosopher rodent, is touted for a placing in this year’s short list for his most intuitive and profound observation on the Richard and Judy Show that “The early bird might get the worm, but the second rat always gets the cheese.”

Chazzer, the Prince of Wales and the Tory Party’s Communities Minister, Eric Prickles, have both been bandied about for a minor award – the former for his acclaimed short TV documentary “The Plant Whisperer”, and Prickles for his authoritative self-exploration “I Beat Bulimia” essay.

L’Oreal’s senior chemist and ‘perfumier’, Madame Candida Mingerot, has also been mentioned in ‘informed’ circles as a likely candidate for her 2009 creation of the life-saving Sahara Snatch, an edible deep sea fish oil based vaginal lubricant which men – and lesbian lovers alike – claim to be ‘kippers personified yummy’.

Last, but by no means least, to cop a mention in the gossip column’s ‘Likely Lasses’ is Mingeeter Dildodo, the Gay Pride director and critically-acclaimed actress, who picked up a coveted gold Quimmy award for her performance as the one-legged butch dyke, Sapphie, in the rug-munching thriller: The Godemiche Memorandum – the movie that has apparently turned viewers off courgettes, bananas - and cucumbers - for life.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.