Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Tagged Scally ‘Hops It’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The courts-affiliated ‘Crim-Watch’ division of private security firm G4S has sacked – with ‘extreme prejudice’ - two members of their field service ‘Mobile Morons’ unit who tagged a man's wooden leg, allowing him to remove it and break a court-imposed curfew for several weeks.

The pair, fired for committing a serious disciplinary offence, were fooled by Long John McSkanger, 69, an unemployed pirate, who disguised his prosthetic limb under a bandage when G4S’s ‘Crim-Watch’ operatives set up the electronic tag system on his person at McSkanger’s Manchester home on the notorious Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate in July.

McSkanger was able to remove the limb and ‘hop off’ down to his local Troublespot Taverns pub – the Pikeys Arms - every night for a few pints of Old Headbanger special brew – thus breaching his curfew and bail restrictions, imposed for variety of offences including welfare benefit fraud, being drunk in charge of a wheelbarrow, non-payment of council tax – and buccaneering.

Police caught onto McSkanger’s curfew-breaching AWOL status after receiving a 999 call from a branch of Bargain Booze that some old alkie with a parrot on his shoulder and an eye patch was in possession of a bathroom caulking gun and a rubber cutlass which he brandished in front of counter staff in an attempt to obtain credit through means of intimidating threats, psychological duress and bad language.

Arresting officer PC Genghis Twatt told press hacks “The poor old bloke just wanted a couple of bottles of Captain Morgan’s Old Jamaican Rum on the slate until Friday when his DWP disability pension giro came through. However he agreed to come quietly after we tasered the bugger and gave him a spot of hot chilli pepper spray in the face – plus a swift kick on the kneecap – then he didn’t have a leg to stand on.”

Conversely, Baz Fuctifino and Lenny Nump, the ex-G4S Crim-Watch employees fired for incompetence told press hacks “We’re takin’ the bastard management ter the Employments Tribunal over this shit. How the fuck are we supposed ter tell the difference between a real leg an’ a false one when its got an effin’ big thick bandage wrapped around it an’ the bloke sez it's cos he’s got leprosy. So we just slapped the electronic tag on him double-quick an’ pissed off sharpish like, before we caught owt nasty.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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