Friday, 26 August 2011

Six Year Old Cops Maths GCSE

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A six-year-old girl from riot-torn Tottenham, who sat her GCSE maths at the age of five, has passed the exam magna cum laude. Winnebago Chuckabutty, of Slumborough Hamlets, is considered to be the youngest person in the known Universe to pass a GCSE and achieved an A* grade to boot.

Her father Morton, an unemployed tortoise polisher who boasts an IQ of 165 and more degrees than a thermometer from the University of Burkino Faso, told one press hack from the Smartarse Gazette that "I bin watchin’ re-runs of dat Doogie Howser kid on de telly – him bein’ a real clever little fucker an’ all dat good shit an’ passin’ his medical exams when he’s only four years old and you think, fuck it - why not let her have a go?"

Possessing a genius intellect and an eidetic memory, little Winnie, who was among 650,000 nail-biting pupils receiving their GCSE results today, told the media that maths was not her favourite subject and had been studying corporate law since she was three years old.
Winnie elaborated for the gob-smacked interviewer: “I mean, who wants to be wasting time, pissing around at school until they’re 17 or what have you, when they can be out in the commercial world earning mega-bucks. I’m aiming for a degree in Ambulance Chasing from Oxford, then get into the personal injury claims business as a barrister and start racking up £400 quid an hour and all those lovely success fees.”

A pupil at the St Sappho School for Latter Day Dykes, Winnie puts her success down to taking extra tuition on Saturdays and being prohibited from watching porn movies on Sky’s ‘Filth Channel’ after classes on school nights.

Across England, Wales and Northern Ireland the proportion of entries awarded between an A* and a C grade rose for the 23rd year in a row, with 69.8% making the grade now pupils can sneak miniaturised Bluetooth earpieces into exams and communicate with some distant cohort who’s manning a laptop and supplying all the right answers.

Child psychologist Dr Beverly Titwank, interviewed on BBC 4’s ‘Clever Cunts’ programme, explained “It’s hardly surprising that children are becoming top-end achievers at an earlier age due better medical care and superior nutrition – unlike all the moronic thickies we used to produce pre and post World War 2. Look at that little Russian genius from Chernobyl, up on the International Space Station playing cosmonaut for the school holidays - and he’s only nine years old.”

“Last year we had a boy of seven, Barry McScrunt, from the Stench Hill ‘sink or swim’ council housing estate in Manchester, who set a new UK record when he received an NVQ 3 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud – and Barry comes from a totally dysfunctional family and broken home too. Obviously with that kind of qualification behind him at his age he’s going to bleed the entire benefits spectrum dry by the time he leaves school and can be classed as officially unemployed.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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