Friday, 5 August 2011

Did Moron Okay Gimp’s Phone Hacking?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The ‘brass neck’ of former disgraced editor of the red top gutter press Daily Shitraker tabloid, Pierced Moron, came under the blade of Damocles sword last night after Sir Paul McBeetle's slapper of an ex-wife came forward to jump on the HackGate bandwagon and levelled accusations that a Shitraker journalist had bragged to her about hacking sensitive messages left on her phone.

Heather ‘The Peg’ Mills - a career-orientated ‘arriviste' - claims she received a call from a low-life reporter belonging to the Holy-Trinity-Shitraker newspapers group in 2001, quoting verbatim a series of voicemails left by McBeetle after the couple had a bit of a barney and the singer threw her wooden leg on the fire and told her to ‘hop it’.

The money-grubbing Mills’ comments serve to undermine Moron's disingenuous claim that it was only Rupert Mudrock’s News International scumbags who stooped to phone hacking – as the voicemails are DNA-matched identical to those he later boasted about hearing - which just serves to prove that he is the bottom-feeding scrote he’s worked so hard to become during his time as a newspaper scandalmonger.

In a 2006 press article, obviously putting pen to paper before engaging brain, Moron referred to listening to a recorded answer phone message which McBeetle had left for Ms Mills following yet another of their frequent bust-ups, which resulted in her spitting the dummy and buggering off to India – to find herself.
McBeetle’s missive was one of puppy love pledges and atonements, before he crooned one of the Tragical History Tour album songs – then advised her to stay away from the local curry houses or she’d be shitting razor blades for the next week and end up with an arsehole looking like a ruptured tulip.

Moron, a person whose ego far surpasses his limited intellect, and possessed with ambitions far beyond the scope of his abilities, is considered a life form so low that he doesn’t even qualify for a slot in the index of Linnaean taxonomy - and was once judged by the ‘Have I Got News For You’ panel as being ‘far too toxic’, even for Room 101.

In 2000, Moron, the-then editor of the Daily Shitraker, faced allegations that he'd engaged in insider dealing on the stock market - a criminal offence – buying up £20,000 quid’s worth of shares in the computer company Viglen prior to the newspaper’s 'Shitty Slickers' column tipping Viglen as a good buy.
Moron was found by the Press Complaints Commission to have breached the Code of Conduct on financial journalism, but managed to hang onto his job by the arse of his pants.

Meanwhile the ‘Shitty Slickers' columnists, Anal Chuckabutty and Ron Hapless, were found to have committed further breaches of the Code, and were sacked before the inquiry.
In December of 2005, both Chuckabutty and Hapless were convicted of conspiracy to breach the Financial Services Act – for which the former copped for 180 hours of community service, licking the pavements clean around Canary Wharf, while Hapless ended up in one of Her Majesty’s sodomite paradises for six months and came out with a prolapsed sphincter and a fellatio addiction.

However, during the trial it emerged that the shifty Moron had bought £67,000 nicker’s worth of Viglen shares, emptying his bank account and investing under his wife Chlamydia's name also – crimes for which the slippery twat was never brought to book.

Karma came full circle in 2004 when Moron was fired from the Daily Shitraker after authorising the gutter press rag’s scandalous publication of faked piccies allegedly showing Iraqi prisoners being buggered by British Army soldiers from the 21st Cannon Fodder Brigade at the notorious Abu Ghraib Prison.

With a sea change in his life and career, the arrogant Moron has now been bestowed with the dubious title of ‘Pariah in Exile’ when he left our green and pleasant lands in January this year to replace the iconic Larry King in the CNN network's evening line-up, with his show ‘Toerags Tonight’.

Described by friends and work associates alike as a ‘right tosspot’, a ‘dipshit’ an ‘all-round dog wanker’ – and ‘as popular as chemotherapy’ - one TV viewer ratings poll in 2010 had him on a par with Colonel Gaddafi, Simon Cowell and Adolf Hitler, which resulted in his ‘Passport to Social Acceptance’ being cancelled with extreme prejudice.

Moron is best summed up by his entry in ‘Who the Fuck’s Who, which states for the public record: “Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Pierced Moron nor his condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of cognisant journalists that the word CUNT comes pretty close”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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