UK Oldies Face Pension Misery

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to some arrogant jobsworth at the Workplace Retirement Income Commission claims that some 14 million British peasants have not saved enough money into job-related or private pension schemes and hence face what they term ‘a retirement of misery’ – unable to even afford to off themselves with some modicum of dignity at one of Switzerland’s bargain basement assisted suicide clinics.

Alas, this prognosis is wrong with a large capital W. The British proletariat, who have endured, nay suffered, decades of ‘circus without a tent’ governments aren’t to be blamed for not saving enough for their retirements as they’ve paid in faithfully to a National Insurance scheme that isn’t fit for purpose – plus years of ‘Graduate Pension Contributions’ starting in the 1960’s that did a vanishing act into some bureaucratic black hole, never to be heard of in polite company ever since.

Blessed with the facilities of subjunctive retrospect and 20/20 hindsight, the Workplace Retirement Income Commission draw this erroneous and flawed conclusion, but the fault lies with government mismanagement, plus a lack of research and foresight at the top – in Parliament, who seem to field more think tanks than enough - and none of them ever predicted people living longer than their Biblically-allotted three score and ten.

Besides, how can any fucker or their dog save a penny in this crippling economic environment where you have typical APR interest rates running at a percentage that would embarrass Shylock to charge - with next to zero return on savings and investments - yet mega-bucks in usurious interest rates on mortgages, bank loans and overdrafts.

Lord Genghis McTwatt, the Labour former chairman of the House of Conmans' Treasury Committee, was commissioned to investigate the pathetic state of the sector by the National Association of Pension Funds.

Interviewed by a press hack from the Pound of Flesh Gazette, McTwatt opined that “People are simply not saving enough to secure a decent retirement overseas, where it’s nice and warm, and they’ll be stuck in Broken Britain, relying on their Winter Fuel Allowance to buy a bag of coal and some firewood – and eating those shitty little £1 quid ready meals from Pestco. It’s all about spending today and ignoring tomorrow – then they’ll be scraping by in poverty on the state pension.”

Well, McTwatt’s got nothing to worry about, being totally immune from the effects of Posh Dave Scameron’s draconic ‘Age of Austerity’ with a guaranteed government service pension, plus a few honorary directorships to feather his fat cat nest.
A sad pity the clot doesn’t comprehend that not everyone’s in a nice little earning sinecure like him, pocketing mega-bucks and House of Lords expenses – as people have no choice about ‘ignoring tomorrow’ - so they can pay their mortgages and feed themselves today.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.