Sunday, 7 August 2011

Chinese Food Additives Kill Scores

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Over in the Third World nightmare known as the People’s Marxist Utopia of China, the Food Safety Commission’s agents, working with local Plod Squads, have arrested over two thousand ‘quick buck’ scrotes and shut down five thousand dodgy businesses in a clampdown on illegal food additives following a series of toxic poisoning scares that have so far only prospered undertakers and provided lashings of overtime for grave diggers.

The campaign was launched in April when scandals erupted concerning glow-in-the-dark pork and buns injected with dye to make them appear ‘tastier'; and 65% of the shop floor workforce at the Dunkin Province-based Hung Lo hand tractor factory were stricken with terminal doses of ballistic diarrhoea known locally as the ‘screaming shits’ after eating lunch at Slimy Seng’s Pol Pot Insta-Noodles stall – where the main ingredient of durum wheat had been substituted with shredded cardboard to boost profits.

Out of 500 people attending an April Fool’s Day banquet in Wanking Province, 286 were hospitalised. Doctor Flip Flop Fong of the No. 3 Dim Sum Hospital, blamed pork contaminated with clenbuterol, a steroid that makes pigs grow faster and leaner - but when consumed by humans causes heart palpitations, nausea, convulsions, dizziness, vomiting, hair loss and fingernails falling out, plus haemorrhaging from all bodily orifices – followed by death.

Salmonella and e-Coli aside, obviously to eat, drink and make merry in China carries similar risks to playing Russian roulette with two chambers loaded. Weddings increasingly end up as funerals, as exampled during the May Day holiday weekend when 192 people from two weddings in Hunan were so sick they eventually had to be buried.

Since 2008, when six children died and 300,000 were sickened by melamine adulterated baby milk formula from the Sum Dum Fuk manufacturers, which according to insider whistle-blower Qui Tam, had been further ‘stretched’ with the addition of white emulsion paint, the Chinese authorities enacted strict policies to ensure food safety.

Now the government has passed further legislation, with a directive last month from the Supreme Court calling for the death penalty for offenders in cases where people croak as a result of eating tainted foods.
Mr Willy Wu Tang of the Food Safety Commission told one press hack from the Hemlock Gazette that government agencies across the country were continuing the drive and that anyone caught breaking the law would be severely punished and sentenced to a minimum of five years hard time in the notorious Smiley Face Organ Donor Transplant Prison.

Legislation besides, China's food scandals are becoming increasingly frequent and even more bizarre. Last week Mrs Shao Mai Skank, a 16-year old Shanghai mother of three, who was forced to leave a leg of uncooked pork on her kitchen table after the Repo Men came round and snatched her fridge, woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that the meat was emitting a blue light due depleted uranium being added as a preservative.

Mr Kun Kare Less, the leader of a farming collective in East Numpty Province complained to the state media last month that their watermelons had exploded like landmines after they applied twice the recommended dose of growth hormone in hopes of increasing their size.

Earlier this year, China's quality inspection agency shut down nearly half of the country's 1,176 dairies and paint factories as part of a campaign to clean up the dairy industry with fresh legislation issued by the Beijing Politburo making it a criminal offence to own and operate a dairy that didn’t have any cows.

One political activist, Mr Fuk Yew Tu, a former drummer with the banned Falun and the Gongs pop group, joined with dissident lawyer Sue Mee and at a clandestine meeting with foreign journalists explained that such incidents cut to the quick of the weaknesses in China's monolithic one-party corrupt Communist system – whose ruling Politburo are in a panicked state of paranoid awareness that the common herd will lose quickly lose confidence in any government that’s unable to provide assurances concerning what is – or isn’t – safe to eat – and be the source of what the draconian authorities fear most – a wave of social unrest paralleling the revolution that drove out General Cash My Cheque and his Kuomintang Army to Formosa – and installed Mao’s Communist Kleptocracy regime.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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