Asbo Plant from Hell Eats Tit

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Kew Gardens Board of Trustees and Head Botanist Wilf Fuctifino were this morning jointly issued with a caution by the local Plod Squad to keep their carnivorous plants under control – on a ‘tighter leash’ being the operative words – following a series of incidents where visitors have been savaged by hostile vegetation – specifically the bloodsucking ‘Draculus Vampirosis’ genus of the Nepenthes pitcher plants.

The latest incident involved Ms Fellattia McGammer, a 16-year old mother of three, who hails from London’s Slumborough Hamlets sink or swim housing estate and was on a ‘cultural’ day trip to the Kew Gardens with neighbour Mingeeter Dildodo and their collection of sprogs.

Sporting a Croydon facelift hair-do and rolling a smoke while sat on her front doorstep at Skanger Terraces, Fellattia recalled the traumatic event for a press hack from the Daily Shitraker. “There we woz, wanderin’ around the Tropical Nursery, sweatin’ like a pikey at the benefits agency claims desk - an’ little Slugsy shouts out “Come an’ have a look over here Mum, there’s a plant eating this bird” – so we wanders across an’ there’s this parakeet or summat stuck inside a pitcher plant screechin’ its effin’ beak off. So, me bein’ an animal lover, I bends down an’ reaches over ter try an’ rescue it an’ me left boob pops outa me halter top an’ the soddin’ plant grabs it an’ starts suckin’ like a hungry rugrat.”

“Talk about the effin’ bird screechin’, I starts screamin’ me fuckin’ head off an’ Mingee’ an’ the kids are all puttin’ the boot in but the plant’s not lettin’ go. I nearly shit me pants cos it woz like that horror movie – the Day of the Triffids thingy.”
“Luckily Mingee’ had a chiv an’ a taser in her bag an’ stabbed an’ zapped the fucker a few times until it let go – then some of the gardenin’ staff turned up ter see wot the fuck all the commotion woz about an’ starts givin’ us a right old bollockin’ fer kickin’ the shit outa the plant.”
“So we tells ‘em their psycho plant grabbed me tit when I bent over ter rescue the parakeet an’ one officious little jobsworth twat sez “Yer should be wearin’ a bra an’ not have yer knockers hanging out, yer dirty slut.”

“Anyways, when I got back home from the hospital I rang that outfit wot advertises on the telly about personal injury claims - Ambulance_Chasers_R_Us - they sent this solicitor bitch around, Sue Fleecem QC no less, from Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot.”

“She reckons Kew Gardens are right liable fer havin’ their Asbos plants where they can take a lump outa members of the public. I mean ter say, just look at me effin’ breast enhancement job wot I had done last Christmas – it’s all fucked up since that pitcher plant had hold of the left one an’ the silicon implant got sucked out – along wiv me nipple – an’ now I’ve got one boob stickin’ up and one pointin’ down. How the fuck am I gonna go skinny dippin’ or topless sunbathin’ on the bleedin’ beach wiv me knockers all fucked up an’ out of balance – an’ only one nipple ring?”

Kew’s Tropical Nursery botanist, Irwin Bogbrush, informed a reporter from the Arboreal Predators Gazette that “Pitcher plants can sense a source of tasty flesh and are forever at the ready to latch onto it. The larger ones frequently take frogs, lizards and mice, and the biggest have been found with cats in them; but to find a chick’s nipple ring – and her half-eaten nipple - plus a spongy silicon breast implant in the plant’s digestive chamber is pretty unusual."

“We have quite a variety of flesh-eating plants here – the Draculus Vampirosis – the guilty party that had a good old chew at Ms McGammer’s left tit - then we have the Voracious Velociraptor pitcher and the Skanger Sundew, along with the Giant Sumatran Bladderwort - which has been known to eat small children whole in its feral jungle environment.”
“Fortunately for us here at Kew, this isn’t a frequent occurrence, although we did have a case last year where a Venus Fly Trap grabbed a man’s penis after he was taken short and urinated in the bushes. It always amazes me how fast they can digest a full six inches of flesh.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.