Saturday, 27 August 2011

Strauss-Kahn: Freed on Impotence Defence

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

New York Judge Sheldon Scroteberg has dismissed the sexual assault case against the French ex-IMF director Dominique Strauss-Kahn after hearing convincing medical testimony that the horny old goat can no longer get it up without a double dose of 100 mg Viagra.

The ‘little blue pills’ defence move came as a double-whammy after the Manhattan District Attorney’s prosecutors publicly cited doubts over the credibility of his accuser, 32-year-old hotel maid Mingeeter Dildodo – elaborating that they didn’t feel it was a prudent career move on their parts to pursue the case in court.

Assistant DA Seymour Scattstein informed one press hack from the Perjurers Gazette that “Miss Dildodo’s come across as a gold-digger out to make a fast buck on the back of someone else’s demise. Her evidence against Strauss-Kahn is totally fucked as she changes her story every five minutes – which in our eyes labels her as a pathological lying cunt possessed with the ability to present fiction as fact with complete conviction - and a straight face.”

Medical and DNA evidence in the case is rumoured to be considered totally inconclusive for providing solid proof of a forced sexual encounter, as the gobful of semen Ms Dildodo purportedly spit on the carpet after gagging during a forced suck and swallow blow job consisted of 90% mayonnaise.
Further, the forensic examination of Ms Dildodo’s back passage by consultant proctologist Dr Morton Fudger indicated, according to the resulting diagnostic report, that “The female subject had not, as is claimed, been an anal virgin until this recent ‘rear-end’ rape occurred – as her dilated sphincter indicates she’s been taking it up the arse for several years previously.”

Mr Strauss-Kahn, 96, was accused in May of subjecting the African immigrant to an hours-long bout of lascivious ravishment and three-hole rape after she made the fateful mistake of bending over while cleaning his hotel room and he became instantly erect and tried to mount her doggy fashion.

Strauss-Kahn’s defence attorney, Shlomo Matzo, presented the court with medical evidence that his client was virtually impotent and required a couple of hours notice and two full strength Viagra tablets before he could raise a stiffy.
“My client may well have a reputation of being a French Lothario and notorious sex maniac who’d fuck a sick chicken, but at 96-years of age, he’s only got one good fuck left in him - and that’s holding him together.”

Strauss-Kahn, the ex-IMF head that did so much to further the Rothshite crime syndicate’s ‘Disaster Capitalism’ and ‘Debtocracy’ projects that have doomed the entire Eurozone to generations of penury, now intends to request an inquiry into the mechanics of the ‘rape charges set-up’, claiming it was a politically motivated character assassination campaign to fuck up his chances of running for political office back in France and posing a ballot box challenge to the incumbent troll-featured midget, President Nicholas Sarkozy, at the next election.

Have you ever been touched-up or raped by Dominic Strauss-Kahn like hundreds of other women? Why not join French writer Ms Tristane Banon and file a case today - and you too could be in line for a mega-bucks out of court settlement.

Using the online reply form below, simply send your signed affidavit to Ambulance_Chasers_R_Us and you could qualify for a no-win no-fee civil prosecution representation with an attorney of your choice.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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