Thursday, 25 August 2011

Jacqui Smith Copped Fiddling Again

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An inquiry is under way by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money into how a pair of day-release jailbirds from HMP Scum ended up decorating the £450,000 quid mansion of disgraced former New Labour MP Jacqui ‘Tealeaf’ Smith instead of doing the community service work they’d been assigned to.

Smith, the ginger-mingin former MP for Sleazeborough East and Cabinet Minister for Pornography, lost her seat in the 2010 General Election following a public backlash scandal in which she was exposed for falsely claiming House of Conmans Parliamentary expenses to pay for her shifty onanist husband’s porno’ DVD hire from the online Renta-Wank video store – plus a further £116,000 nicker in assorted fiddles.

Sir Aldous Cocksquirrel, the Chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life was critical of Smith’s expense claims, stating for the public record that naming her sister's garden shed as her main home was ‘fraudulent’.

HMP Scum bosses have now launched an investigation into how the prisoners, Frank ‘Pitbull’ McScally and Genghis ‘Asbo’ Scroteberry, who were meant to be working on community service projects – such as improving parks, dredging rubbish-strewn streams, and licking pavements clean - instead ended up redecorating Jacqui Smith’s palatial ‘Dun Thievin’ home at Pikeys Crotch last month.

The gutter press has been quick off the mark to expose this latest scandal of Smith taking unfair advantage of community assets by utilising a spot of slave labour for her own use - and demonstrating yet again what a penny-pinching unscrupulous skanger she really is when it comes to abusing the tax-payers’ purse.

Smith’s notoriety as a low-life bottom feeding social pariah was exposed in 2008 when it was discovered her wanker of a husband Richard Timney, who was then managing her constituency office, to be responsible for the authoring and posting a series of deceptive letters praising her Parliamentary works to high heaven, that were sent to local and national newspapers in a pitiful bid to boost her popularity with the voting public.

Mrs Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle - the director of the Batchley Support Group charity which apparently now caters to ex-MPs gardening and decorating requirements – told one press hack from the Scandalmongers Gazette that assigning the prisoners from HMP Scum had been a favour and Mrs Smith made a donation of £5 quid to the community charity for the work carried out.

While the money-grubbing Smith, whose ambitions far exceed the scope of her abilities, doesn’t qualify for a slot in the index of Linnaean taxonomy – and within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes the swindling bitch and her absurd sense of entitlement - it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of semi-inebriated press hacks that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Thought for the day: How do you know when a politician’s lying? Their lips move.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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