Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Online Loan Sharks Solve US Debt Crisis

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Between the Artful Dodger Bill Clinton, who thought with his cock instead of his brain, only to be succeeded by Dubya Bush who didn’t even have much of a functioning brain to think with anyway, then followed by the Kenyan cuckoo with the forged Hawaiian birth certificate and an ego that far surpasses his limited intellect - this trio, through a policy of flawed compliance, obeying the orders of their Zionist shadow government masters, have made a total bollocks of the US economy – and now Barky O’Barmy’s got the cheek to blame the fucked up US ‘Debtology’ predicament on the Republicans.

For fuck’s sake, have these incompetent twats never even received a call from their bank manager letting them know they’re slightly overdrawn – to the extent of US$14 ‘trillion’ bucks? “Hey, boys – you’re supposed to be banking with us – not us with you.”
Overdrawn – well, obviously they’re spending too much by keeping the pariah state of Israel afloat – then we have the military bills which soon mount up when the good ole US don’t even finish off one war before kick starting another.

“Well, thank God for the Federal Reserve and quantitative easing for getting us this far” say some – while others, more cognisant, brand the Rothshite family crime syndicate-owned Fed’ as The Curse of Jekyll Island and declare “That’s what happens when you have a bunch of shifty Shylocks in fully approved custodian charge of the nation’s privately-owned central bank – and the one’s ordained to print the money.”

However, the Gods of Chaos came to the rescue last night in spite of the Republican-dominated Congress refusing to raise the debt ceiling a couple of trillion dollars until O’Barmy comes clean about his place of birth – plus how much nose candy was snorted who gammed who in the back of the limo’ with Larry Sinclair.

In a last ditch attempt to save the day and salvage something out of the abysmal mess, a couple of canny White House staffers, fed up with Treasury Department excuses, got on the internet and googled up the Money Managers web page for a spot of advice on how to beat the August 2nd deadline for the US of A seeking Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and having to flog off all 50 states to creditors at fire sale prices.

While there was some argument and contention on what to sell off first, bearing in mind the 48 continental states are considered sacrosanct, it was a choice between Alaska and Hawaii – but even though the former was considered a first choice - to be rid of Sarah ‘Tea Party’ Palin at the same time - there’s simply too much oil, gas and moose meat at stake.

Hence it was prudently decided to let the pineapple state of Hawaii go for a bargain $1,000,000,000,000 in cash - to a consortium of Japanese Yakuza, bidding through the offices of Cash Converters, who have apparently had the acquisition in their sights since 1941.

White House staffer Billy Bob Weaselstein told one press hack from the Debtocracy Review “No shit, after getting the disastrous results of our online credit check from Experian first, we though “Oh-ho, now we’re really fucked.”
But we logged on to the KwikCash and websites and clicked in our details – and put Iraq’s oil wells and the Afghan opium fields up as collateral and Bingo! We had an answer back within half an hour, and a cheque for the extra $1,400,000,000,000 was in a Fed-Ex courier pouch an hour later.”

Weaselstein concluded “The Pres’ is over the moon and had a gang of goons from AIPAC and the Pentagon round earlier to discuss plans to invade Syria and Iran next month now the kitty’s topped up again.”

KwikCash boss, Sheldon Scumberg informed one reporter from the Usury Gazette that “Our normal online customer trade consists of folks who need a few bob to buy a new washing machine or one of those wide screen plasma tellys - or to fund their sun n sea summer holiday to the Costa Fortune – or just a small loan to tide them over until the monthly paycheque’s in the bank.”

“And are we bothered that the Yanks will probably spend it on supplying arms to Israel to snuff Palestinian sprogs with – or bombing Libyan civilians? No way – business is business cos if we didn’t lend it to them, then some other fucker would. Hey and just think of the interest we’ll be raking in on a $1:4 trillion dollar loan when we slap them with a typical 34% APR.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area
and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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