Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Hand of Irony Smites RNLI Swimmers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what was subsequently described ‘ex post facto’ as a proverbial ‘Chinese fire drill’, with one senior Coastguard officer stating he’d seen better organised riots, 80 people had to be rescued by the Dover Lifeboat service after they were swept out to sea during a charity swim – ironically undertaken to raise cash for the Royal National Lifeboat Institute.

The swimmers had been taking part in the charity race, starting from Tosspots Bay off Broadstairs in Kent last Sunday, to swim along the coast, past Margate, with one clockwise circuit around the Isle of Sheppy, then back to Herne Bay for hot chocolate and buttered teacakes around a beach bonfire of derelict deck chairs and discarded wooden legs.
However, after rounding the Margate headland they became caught in a rip tide off Scattford Sands that started dragging them up the Thames Estuary at 10 knots towards Bellend-on-Sea.

Captain Harry McSnott of the Dover Coastguard told one reporter from the Davy Jones Gazette that they received a distress message via Blackberry text from a certain concerned female, one Mrs Agnes Skanger, who was walking her dog on the beach at Sheerness at about 10:30 that morning and reported scores of swimmers in a state of distress, floating past and screaming ‘Help!’

“Between our own lifeboat crew and the lads from the RNLI station on Canvey Island, we spent about two hours rescuing foundering swimmers and searching for the missing participants - who had apparently been carried off up the Thames as far as Greenwich.”

The race had been organised by event and coaching company Numpty-Fest to raise funds for the RNLI – with corporate spokeswoman Candida Mingerot explaining to media hacks “We encourage everyone to join in and have a go at this type of tourney but unfortunately a lot of non-swimmers turned up on paddle boards and inflatable air beds wanting to get into the thick of things too.”

“Luckily the very same organisation we were raising money for came to the rescue of the majority of participants before they were swept further offshore or up the river.”
“All things considered it was fortunate that out of the hundred-plus entrants to the race only 19 got drowned – with two of the die-hards raising well over their expectations from sponsors – with one getting fished out at the Thames Flood Barrier and another ending up at Teddington Locks.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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