US Super-Plod to Tackle UK Rioters

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s Plod Squad chiefs are taking over from last weekend’s Bolshie rioters to stage a protest of their own – denouncing PM Posh Dave Scameron’s opinion of them as ‘risk averse’ and initiating this egregious, impulsive scheme to import ‘Wild Bill’ Bratton, the New York SuperCop from the Planet Krypton, to sort out all that’s wrong with British policing methods.

Association of Chief Police Officers' head Sir Hugh Jampton told one press hack from the Daily Shitraker "We’re very sceptical about having some trigger-happy Yankee redneck come over here and teach us about gang control when their entire 50 states are dominated by them – and they have this criminal AIPAC lobby group actually running their Congress and Senate for Israel’s benefit.”

“Really, Scameron and Co – especially that clot of a Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, cutting their vacations short and returning to London were no help to our policing operations whatsoever and simply confused matters even more. Now Scameron’s panacea for what he refers to as Britain’s policing ills is to ignore the fact it is imprudent to further diminish our ranks by making 7,000 officers redundant - and import some gung-ho celebrity cowboy from New York. Is this the same police chief who stood idly by and was complicit in letting a bunch of hi-fiving Israelis blow up the World Trade Centre’s twin towers back on 9/11?”

In a desperate bid to address the waves of rampaging violence currently sweeping England, the Libservative Coalition leader claims he’s fed up with excuses from UK police chiefs, out to avoid responsibility for large sections of the commercial and retail marketing sections of their respective cities being looted and then burned to the ground, stating that government budget cuts and social spending austerity measures are to blame – and has called for the former New York police chief to help stamp out mob violence and rioting in English cities – and implement his primary scheme to actually recruit the protest mob leaders to take charge of the proposed National Riot Team.

Sir Hugh also rejected the Tory Party’s ‘let’s blame someone’ criticism of their tactics, announcing for the public record "The accusation that my officers shit their pants at the first sign of trouble is incredibly hurtful as they were all very disturbed and frightened by the violence. The Officer-in-Charge carried out the recommended Health and Safety ‘risk assessment’ and decided it was too volatile a situation to address at that time and a ‘watch & wait’ strategy should be employed – as the mob were at that time heavily committed to drinking the entire stocks of liquor in the Bargain Booze outlet they’d just broken into, and it’s so much easier to load them into the back of our vans when they’re pissed and half asleep.”

“I mean to say, our plods have been trained to follow the tried and tested bully boy fashion of policing – a squad of four go for a single miscreant – not have hundreds of lean and mean gym-fit aggie youths, boosted up on pills and snort, facing off our middle-aged pudgy coppers that train on a diet of all-day English breakfasts, sweet tea and donuts.”

Faced with the sad reality of Scameron’s appointment of Sheriff ‘Shoot First’ Bratton, other senior police figures up and down our once green and pleasant land have spoken out, sharing Sir Hugh's concerns, and stating that anticipated cuts to officer numbers would make policing any future similar disturbances even harder – especially so if the rioting mobs decided to target Whitehall and Parliament – and perhaps Buckingham Palace and the City’s Square Mile.

Chief Constable Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McTwatt, of the Greater Manchester Police Federation, called it a "slap in the face" and told the media “Britain doesn’t need some Wild West retired thug from 5,000 miles away when we have plenty of our own. It’s just a matter of Parliament giving us the okay to let them loose on the mobs. Scameron’s knee-jerk proposal is a source of acute anger and disappointment – plus a sense of incredulity as well, that he’s not even bothered consulting us on this matter. What the fuck next, we wonder – is Scameron going to invite that thick Irish U2 frontman, Bonehead, to have a go at quelling mob violence with his ‘love and peace’ mantra?”

Conversely Chancellor George Osborne, ignoring the lashings of withering criticism being directed at the fatally-flawed Libservative Coalition concerning the root problems behind the riots, said the Government would press ahead with money-saving cuts to police numbers and that throwing money at deep-seated social issues - such as unemployment and homelessness - was not the answer.

“We already have the new ‘pre-crime’ arrest system tried and tested at Prince Willy and Kate Middleclass’s royal wedding, so why not simply rounds these oicks up and slap them in one of those Gulag thingy camps up in the Pennines – just like Uncle Joe Stalin had in Siberia.”

“I mean to say, with the money we save by laying off 7,000 plods we can afford to go ahead at full steam with mobilising our Gestapo style neighbourhood snitch and grasser squads, where they only get paid a commission on results – which will work the same as our current ‘Shop-a-Looter’ Judas campaign, where actual families turn each other in for thirty pieces of silver.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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