Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Taxman Admits “We’re a Bunch of Tossers”

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While actually avoiding the anticipated penance of falling on his own sword - or paper knife - Mike Clott, the chairman of HM Revenue & Customs, has apologised for the treatment of taxpayers after the department’s abysmal quality of service was lambasted with lavish servings of caustic criticism by a committee of disapproving MPs, whose collective opinion of the HMRC was one of “We’ve seen better organised riots”.

The humbled Clott admitted that the catastrophic overpayment of both working ‘and’ child tax credits that has occurred since the previous stellar PAYE individually-coded tax system was dumped by New Labour’s moronic Chancellor Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown in April of 2003, was the biggest fuck up to be visited on the hapless British public since the last major fuck up.

The MPs comprising the Treasury Select Committee opined that dissatisfaction risked undermining what little public confidence existed in the fatally-flawed tax regime, and they were personally at a loss to comprehend why Tony Bliar’s New Labour government had ever allowed or sanctioned a total dunce like Gordon Brown to ditch the old tax system, which worked perfectly, and introduce the ludicrous and absurd error-fraught working and child tax credits fiasco wherein everyone gets overpaid then slapped with a demand for thousands of pounds to be repaid immediately – if not sooner - a couple of years down the road.

The Select Committee’s damning report blamed the failures and poor levels of service it had uncovered on bad management - with entire departments staffed by apathetic and moronic jobsworths - and increasingly complex tax laws that no accountant or mathematician with more degrees than a thermometer could make head nor tail of, never mind the layman.

Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, chair of the Select Committee, told one press hack from the Daily Shitraker that “HMRC's delivery of services to the general public has fallen to unacceptable levels in several areas and in my personal opinion is more fucked up than a soup sandwich.”
"Since PM Scameron and Chancellor Osborne have imposed these budget cuts and austerity measures to pay for their continuing foreign war in Afghanistan and the bombing of civilians and rebels in Libyan – plus given the necessity to reduce the current staff of 70,000 by a further 10,000, we are not convinced that HMRC have the resources or the capability to deliver any kind of an efficient service and we can further predict with assured confidence that things are going to go from bad to bloody worse.”

Clott told the BBC’s Tosspots Review programme "The overall HMRC service simply hasn't been good enough with neither the post or telephone call centres and I'd like to take the opportunity to apologise to every poor fucker and their dog who had sat there with a cellphone stuck in their ear trying to get through for hour after hour and ended up with a brain tumour.”
On an optimistic note Clott further mentioned that HMRC has now recruited 1,000 extra advisers at their Delhi-based contact centre to handle calls during exceptionally busy periods – several of whom speak reasonably good English.

Thought for the day: Alas with HMRC, the Peter Principle manifests its ugly head yet again – serving to demonstrate that in any government bureaucracy the dipshits, tossers and dog wankers comprising the ranks will strive to achieve their greatest level of incompetence.

Hmmm, one wonders with incredulity how much Mr Clott’s ‘Performance Bonus’ will be for the 2010-11 period.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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