Panic Flu Vaccine Prevents H1N1

The World Health Organisation’s ‘Pandemic Panic’ Department today disclosed the H1N1 influenza virus currently devastating Mexico was originally mis-diagnosed as seasonal Bean Flu.

Mexico has now been literally ‘closed down’ for the past two days, with public and government services abandoned, prompting a legion of foreign plague-mongering journalists to comment they’ve actually not noticed any difference from normal.

The World Health Organization has raised the pandemic alert to level nine and a half (the highest being ten) and advised governments to activate Biblical plague scenario contingency plans.

EU health commissioner Fellatia van der Gobble has called an emergency meeting of European health ministers to discuss a possible EU-wide travel advisory for Mexico, which will basically state : “Don’t fucking go there!”

The EU's director-general of health and consumer protection, Dr. Fuk Yew Tu told the Shitrakers news agency that deaths from the disease were expected in Europe but they had stacks of plastic disposable’ coffins ready.

Rumours that the Mexican strain of the virus had mutated with a strain of the rare H4N7:5 Antarctic Rockhopper penguin virus have now been confined to a Dutch anarchy radio station and two UK tabloid newspapers.

WHO micro-biologists claim the H2N2 avian flu virus (headless chicken strain) has mutated with a strain of the H1N1 piggy flu virus creating what is actually now confirmed as a H7N3 subtype Propaganda Virus – also known as the common or garden Chinese ’Fire Drill’ virus.

The HPAI A (H7N3) subtype Propaganda Virus is regarded as a highly pathogenic flu – usually spread through contact with newspapers, radio and TV propaganda – and especially after chatting with rumour-mongering fishwives and gossiping neighbours.

Persons infected with the H7N3 strain are advised to take handfulls of one of the many benzodiazepine anti-anxiety medications (diazepam, valium, alprazolam and lorazepam) now being distributed prescription-free at every branch of your local Greedy Grocer supermarket.

Doctors recommend hourly doses for persons suffering from Apocalyptic / End of Time anxiety-related stress as the drugs generate such beneficial side effects as sleepiness, lethargy and memory problems – very similar to a bellyful of 8:5% Headbanger lager.

Big pharma giant Placebo (SA) has just released to medical clinics, hospitals and Quick-Fit garages their innovative ‘Panic Flu’ vaccine which is actually nothing more than a saline solution with a dash of Tabasco.
One quick innoculation of this vaccine and a few words from a strong / silent Marcus Welby medical type with a Casanova bedside manner and voila – you’re immune for life.

Pigs, birds and other livestocks are unaffected by the H7N3 strain of the virus as they don’t read newspapers, listen to the radio or watch TV.

While it is almost three years since we faced the hysteria of an avian flu epidemic, when governments world-wide embarked on a panic-buy of billions of dollars of Tamiflu – the same anti-viral now being promoted to combat a supposed swine flu pandemic - the shelf life of Tamiflu ‘also’ happens to be three years.

Tamiflu’s manufacturer, Roche, confirm that the shelf life of its useless anti-viral is ‘up to’ three years.

This is extremely convenient for governments that would very soon have to dispose of billions of dollars of expired Tamiflu stock, which they bought to counter avian flu, or H5N1. The US government ordered 20 million doses costing $2 billion in October 2005, and around that time the UK government ordered 15 million doses.

The World Health Organization has, at the time of writing, increased its threat level to 9:5 which means governments can now activate their pandemic plans – and start selling the about-to-expire Tamiflu drugs.

Anyone smell a rat?