Sunday, 3 May 2009

Labour’s Bangladeshi Baroness Fiddling Expenses

A New Labour Muslim peer, who lives in the predominantly Shylock populated East End of London, has claimed in excess of £100,000 in parliamentary expenses on a derelict flat in Kent that neighbours say has been unoccupied since the Dawn of Time.

Baroness Udders, a Bangladeshi immigrant who worked closely with the money-grasping Bliars when they occupied 10 Downing Street, has been claiming allowances intended for peers living outside London although she resides only a couple of short miles from the House of Lords.

Inquiries by The Sunday Shitraker have established that Baroness Sleeza Udders bought a two-bedroom flat at Skidrow Hamlets on Asbo Avenue in 2005 and has named it as her main home to claim almost £30,000 a year in accommodation expenses from the House of Lords.

The baroness, who became Britain’s first Muslim woman peer in 1998, has actually lived with her family in a house in Wopping (Little Bangladesh) east London, since the early 1990’s – with neighbours telling reporters she is a daily fixture there - both morning and night.

Residents from the five other flats in the same block as Udder’s property are all ready to swear under oath that they have never seen her – or anyone else - at the flat, with investigating journalists able to see through the windows that the two-bedroom property was totally unfurnished.

Rita Skank, a recouperating rhubarb addict, who has lived next door to Udder’s flat for ten years told reporters after being shown a photo of the Baroness “I ain’t never seen any fat little Paki’ sluts like ‘er round ‘ere. In fact no cunt lives there.”

Ms. Skank further revealed that until recently, there were piles of leaves on the balcony harbouring a nest of rats - and sheets of newspaper stuck over the crap-encrusted bedroom windows.

Last weekend, hours after The Sunday Shitraker had challenged Udders about her “main residence” and felonious expense claims, the Baroness’s gas-guzzling BMW 4x4 Chelsea tractor was spotted at the Skidrow Hamlets flat and members of her extended family arrived and moved in like a troop of conveniently-timed squatters.

Cracow Pete, the local Polish plumber who went into the flat to bodge up a broken GCH boiler said: “The entire place is a shithole – crap and dust everywhere, and they told me they were just moving in.”

By Sunday night, curtains covered the windows, a light was on in the hall, a mat was placed outside the front door, Mohammed and the Meercats new album was on the stereo and belting out sitar music at full volume - and the entire place stank of mutton vindaloo.

The Sunday Shitraker has also challenged Udders about a further £83,000 worth of expense claims she made before she bought the Skidrow Hamlets flat in September 2005.
She claims that her main residence has been outside the capital since 2001 but evasively refuses to say where, despite repeated questions and rumours it might actually be in Bangladesh.

Last night Angus McTwat, the leader in Westminster of the Scottish Men in Skirts party, which has campaigned for a bigger share of Parliamentary financial perks, said he wanted two inquiries into the baroness’s expense claims. “I will be writing to the police, and to the House of Lords authorities, asking them to investigate this report of blatant criminal activity.”

Lord Shitshott, a Liberal Democrat frontbencher, said: “An empty property can’t be a peer’s main residence. The Lords authorities must check the facts of this case and investigate – even a thick public school twit like me knows that much.”
“This cow Udders is milking the system tits up and back again - and lying through her NHS dentures.”

Insisting she had done nothing wrong, the stony-faced Udders told the press: “Should the House of Lords authorities wish to investigate the matter I will, of course, cooperate fully.”
She further stated that “A lot of people are homeless and have to rough it – that’s why I keep the flat unfurnished and sleep on the floor so I can empathise with their suffering myself.”

Hence, one might well posture, in light of the recent scandals involving New Labour politicians and their fabricated expense claims, would Diogenes question if a single honest man belongs to their disgraced party (or woman viz Jacqui Smith / Sleeza Udders).
Is it simply base human nature that compels one to take pecuniary advantage of a lax expenses system and fiddle it for all it is worth - or is it that governments – past and present - only elevate larcenous scumbags to these perk-bestowed positions and titled ranks?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – gilded with a modest touch of Yeast Logic

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