Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Boy of Twelve not Baby’s Father

Alfie McScrunt, the boy who was reported to have fathered a child when he was 12 years old, is not the baby's father, DNA tests have shown.

Alfie, now 13, of Smegmadale’s Sink or Swim Housing Estate, told the ‘underage sex’ columnist from the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette that he was ‘dead chuffed’ (Chav-speak for ‘proud’) he’d got his 15-year-old girlfriend ‘up the tub’ (further Chav-speak for ‘preggers’).

But the tests have established another boy, Lenny Bogbrush from the nearby coastal resort of Smegmadale-on-Sea, who is 15, as the father of Albanian immigrant Fellatia Moronsky’s baby.

The results of the DNA tests have been made public following a judge's ruling.
The judgement also reveals that the cuckolded Alfie was extremely distressed about the results of the test and was now the laughing stock at his school.

Alfie told reporters he is considering two options – “Goin’ into a monastry an’ bein’ an effin’ hermit - or snuffing that pikey slag Fellatia fer screwing around – and then do that other twat Lenny fer goosin’ me bitch.”

Pictures of Alfie, holding the baby he believed to be his newborn daughter, caused a furore when they were published beneath the headline banner of the Daily Shitraker in February, plus renewed public calls for better sex education in Britain’s schools to put a stop to lunchtime Viagra-fuelled dogging sessions behind the bike sheds.

This prompted New Labour’s Children's Secretary Ed Bollocks to pass the comment that “It’s not the sex education they’re lacking – it’s how to use a condom. For Christ’s sake, the majority of these little twats can’t even spell ‘contraceptive’ let alone pause to consider 'bagging up' before sticking one in.”

Ms. Candida Muffitch, headmistress at Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High which all three children attended, described Alfie – and Lenny - as “hopeless cases who thought with their balls instead of their brains”.

Fellatia wasn’t considered much higher in Ms. Muffitch’s estimation, who she opined as having “a problem with her thighs – she couldn’t keep them closed for five minutes” and was further known as the ‘school bike’ as all the boys had a ride on her.
“Fellatia’s a ’special needs’ pupil really – ‘special sexual needs’ to satisfy her rampant nymphomania.”

Conversely Fellatia had her say in replying to Ms. Muffitch’s disparaging remarks about her.
“That cunt Candida’s an old slag-bag dyke – always strippin’ yer naked wiv ‘er eyes - an’ lickin’ ‘er lips at yer when she walks past – makin’ out she wants ter go down on yer. She’s just jealous I woz getting’ shagged by the lads an’ not muff-divin' on ‘er snatch.”

However, proud mummy Fellatia, who hit the headlines last week yet again with a full page photo of her breast-feeding baby Chantelle at school during a credit card scam class, is scheduled to enrol for a NVQ 1 course in Advanced Shoplifting this September.

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