Saturday, 9 May 2009

Unemployed Brit Lands World’s Best Job

A British man has been appointed the new caretaker of an Australian tropical island paradise, a three year contract position described as "the best job in the world".

Ben Fuctifino, 34, an unemployed skateboard mechanic from Smegmadale-on-Sea, emerged from a field of over 34,000 applicants.

His new job, sponsored by Bundaberg Rum, Fosters lager and the Australian Tourist Board requires Mr Fuctifino to live and report from Shagrat Island, on Queensland's Great Barrier Reef.

As well as the £75,000 annual salary – plus benefits, the post of caretaker on Shagrat Island comes with a three bedroom beach home, a swimming pool, golf cart, a bar stocked by Bundaberg Rum and Fosters Amber Nectar, and a free honorary membership to the island’s elite ‘Bouncing Betty’s Beachside Bordello’.

The job description requires Mr Fuctifino "to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef : sail, swim, snorkel, go game fishing, make friends with the local girls and generally enjoy life by having barbies, drinking lots of booze and shagging himself silly".

The essential strategy of the appointment is for Fuctifino, as a thoroughly modern caretaker, to maintain an online daily blog with video footage and a hi-res’ photo dairy recording his personal ‘sexperiences’ so potential tourists world-wide can follow his exploits with drooling envy, prompting them to come and “Visit good old Oz’ for lots of the same.”

The Shagrat Island ‘experience’ and Ben Fuctifino’s fabulous lifestyle is geared to set a global profile to Australian tourism, which has gone into decline amid the worldwide recession.

Minister for Culture and Tourism Jasper McTwat told media reporters “Old Ben Fuctifino’s gonna set the trend for thousands of wannabees – they’ll be jumpin’ on planes in effin’ droves once they see what he’s up to out there on Shagrat Island – lazin’ around an’ boozin’ an’ bonkin’ his brains out every effin’ day.”

Ben Fuctifino’s new position as Shagrat Island caretaker, while being rated as the best in the world, prompted the Daily Shitraker to sponsor a million dollar competition to determine who actually does have the world’s ‘best job’.

While several testosterone-fuelled professions and occupations - typically astronaut, Formula One driver, test pilot and beer taster - quickly reached the upper index of the ‘top job’ list, the best-rated by readers to date belongs to Thai national Mr. Shitrat Meow (aka Mr. Happy) – chief quality control assessor at Pattaya’s ‘Suck n Swallow’ massage parlour.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Zionist lobby.

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