Monday, 4 May 2009

Cheap ‘Charlie’ Snuffs Stoned Chippy’s

A Smegmadale-on-Sea hotel has reopened after guests were evacuated due a suspected "chemical weapons / terrorist activity incident" following the discovery of the bodies of two women yesterday.

The women, who police officers from the Forensic Guesswork division originally suspected committed suicide, were found in the honeymoon suite at the Abbott & Costello Hotel on Seven Slags Road, bordering the Smegmadale Sands beach resort, at midday on Sunday.

About 700 guests and staff were evacuated from the premises in a Chinese fire drill fiasco after police officials found a strange smelling powder in the room which turned out to be a blend of Pound Stretcher grade Peruvian cocaine, Scholls sweaty feet talcum and crotch-itch powder.

It was thought the two women were lovers and had fallen mortal victims to a bad batch of cocaine they had snorted.
However information culled from the hotel’s reception staff that checked the women in on Friday night revealed they had specifically reserved the Al Fresco Dogger’s Delight honeymoon suite because of its sea view balcony, Jacuzzi and four-poster bondage-friendly beds, and had further entertained a couple of dozen male guests in the suite.

Detective Inspector Cyril Fuctifino of the Smegmadale CID told the homicide correspondent from the Christian Science Monitor that evidence now pointed to the fact both women were Serbian illegal immigrants working in the sex-for-sale industry as Dominatrices and the adulterated Charlie (cocaine) had been supplied by their Albanian pimp – a certain Pikey Pete who was now in police custody – and had prior convictions for swan poaching and being drunk in charge of a wheelbarrow.

Following the initial discovery of the women’s bodies, fetish sex gear (including whips, crops and restraints) - and the strange smelling powder - fifteen emergency service vehicles – including bomb disposal and an armoured wheelie bin truck - attended the scene.
Surrounding roads were cordoned off as the Smegmadale Anti-Terrorist Unit said they were treating the incident as "a confirmed chemical weapons incident – possibly radiological in nature".

The Abbott & Costello management have been adamant in trying to dispel rumours circulating amongst boozy journalists propping up the cocktail lounge bar that the women committed suicide due the hotel’s piss-poor room service.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Fine Hand-Crafted Satire – polished with a modest touch of Yeast Logic

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