Monday, 25 May 2009

Wanna Drink? – Get in the Queue

A troop of monkeys working around the clock at the prestigious Smegmadale Institute of Advanced Numptynomics for the UK’s moronic Oldham Council have come up with their most stupid idea since the last stupid idea.

Inspired by the latest EU guidelines on sheeple control and how to make the common or garden landless peasants sit up and beg – and say ‘Woof’, Oldham Council have decided to adopt a scheme whereby pub patrons must now queue up for their drinks a la Royal Mail post office style and wait until they are called – “Barmaid number three please.”

Barriers similar to those used in shops and government offices will be installed to keep customers in line – and to lean on if totally pissed already.

All so pretty Polly politically-correct – “Yes please” and “Thank you” – and utterly effin’ boring. What will our Nanny state / Big Brother wannabe masters introduce next on their mind control agenda.

Thus drinkers in pubs are henceforth to stand in a queue and will be banned from ordering more than two drinks at a time – to curb binge drinking – plus not be allowed to drink while standing in said queue.

Reminiscent of the Ancient Mariner’s cry of “Water, water, everywhere – and not a drop to drink” perhaps. A global warming panic dehydrating the boozing population at an evaporatiion rate so rapid that it can only be measured in nano-sec’s – and all a thirsty boozer can get is a couple of pints at a time – then queue up again.

Really, this idea is going to catch on like enrolling for a trial course of chemotherapy or volunteering for community service work in a leper colony.

Fellatia van der Gobble, of the British Beer And Pub Association told a reporter from the Pisshead’s Review 'We have minor issues with tackling problem drinking but this is not the way to go about it.”

'These measures are costly, unnecessary and totally disproportionate at a time when around 40 pubs are closing every week up and down the country.”
'People aren't going to want to drink if they have to queue up as if they're in the post office –then ask for a book of stamps in mistake for a pint of Stella Headbanger lager.'

“It’s the alcoholics I feel sorry for – if they have to buy their beer by the pint pot measure and not the usual bucket full.”

Under plans drawn up by the ‘Fucked-in-the-Brain’ party-controlled Oldham Council, all 22 pubs in the town centre will have to comply with the new rules or risk having their licences revoked.

Oldham council licensing committee member Derek Moron said: 'There would have to be some form of barrier so people couldn't push past - either a rope or perhaps something stronger – like barbed wire or an electrified fence.”

Most variations of this kind of futile attempt to curb binge drinking involve restrictions on opening hours. Oldham, however, thanks to help from the Institute of Advanced Numptynomics’ monkey think tank, has come up with its own ideas and is understood to be the first authority in the country to propose such an idiotic and squirly system.

Alfie McScrunt, a sixteen-year old regular at Oldham’s town centre Asbo Arms told a reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “A gang of us come up ‘ere every effin’ day fer a few pints of Headbanger an’ sum council twat’s gonna tell us we’ve gotta queue up fer a pint an’ we can’t buy a round like, or get more than two pints at a time. Dream on bollocks- it ain’t gonna work.”

Conversely Gladys Dunce, a 97-year old pensioner and daily happy hour regular at the town’s Pig and Whistle lap dancing bar, told the media 'It would be the end of buying a round but there have been fights and stabbings and it's not right that an elderly widow like meself going out for the evening has to worry about being attacked by some chav yob at the bar and have to carry this here sawn-off shotgun with me fer protection.'

Would you queue up for a pint of your favourite tipple? Have you ever queued up in an Oldham post office? Do you even know where Oldham is? Do you really want to know?

Fill in our online questionairre below and we’ll send you a free “Go to the head of the queue” badge – guaranteed to get you a good kicking in any British pub.

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