Saturday, 2 May 2009

New Mensa Member still in Diapers

A two-year-old girl who can name 35 of the US' Bush administration's war criminals and identify a dozen flavours of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles has become the youngest member to join the high IQ society Mensa.

Pedantica van der Pratt, from Smegmadale-on-Sea, has an IQ of 156 and can recite the Labour Party manifesto, count to 15 in Serbo-Croat and name twenty-five types of credit card.
Pedantica took the standard Shitford-Bidet Intelligence Scale test which showed she was in the top 0.2% in her age group in the UK.

Mensa spokeswoman Brainella Muffitch, during an interview with the Coal-Heavers Gazette, described Pedantica as a “smart little twat".

Mensa has about 24,000 ‘clever cunt’ members in the UK (with 3 in Ireland) and counts presenter Carol Volestrangler, whose IQ is 154 - radio DJ and celebrity paedophile Seymour Scrunt - and Sir Clive McTwat, inventor of the left-handed yo-yo, among its ranks.

Pedantic joins her elder sister Mutanta in the child member numbers of Mensa.
Mutanta, now 12, was inducted to the exalted society just prior to her third birthday, by which time she had established herself as a world Haiku champion, wrote a controversial thesis on Hegelian Dialectic, and won a competition exposing the real identity of the Stig.
Last year she acted as a foremost advisor to Chancellor Alistair Darling, formulating his ‘quantitative easing’ policy to provide paddles for the UK’s insolvent banks who were, at that time, stranded up shitcreek without any means of propulsion.

Pedantica and Mutanta are the prodigious products of parents Sybil and Sheldon van der Pratt, founders of the QuidStretcher crap merchandise discount chain empire.
Father Sheldon became embroiled in controversy last year when Chinese officials from the Department of Antiquities filed charges against him for the return of a priceless collection of Wang Dynasty Tupperware stolen from the Forbidden City during the Boxer Rebellion.

Mr. van der Pratt claims the collection was purchased from a Pikey Pete’s car boot sale in Taskent by his father during the Bolshevik Revolution and has refused to comply with Chinese demands.

Conversely, news of Pedantica’s enrolment in Mensa was taken up by the UK charity ‘Thickies’ which caters for individuals stricken with IQ’s of less than three digits – and in certain cases – less than two.

Desmond Dunce, MP for Old Scotum and Minister for Garden Sheds, is a pro-bono director of Thickies. He told reporters yesterday “While we have cause to applaud Pedantica’s achievement it must be remembered many of the UK’s population simply don’t have her gifts of intelligence, with some lacking the brains to even shit straight.”

“We need to provide and maintain a safe haven for those so affected and marginalised, who are labelled by a cruel society as ‘human amoebas’ simply because they can’t read or write and whose total educational achievement is to operate a TV remote control.”

A closing comment from little Miss Pedantica van der Pratt when asked what she's set her sights on when she grows up : “To be Home Secretary just like Jacqui Smith and claim lots of expenses so I’m very rich.”

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – polished with a modest touch of Yeast Logic

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