Thursday, 28 May 2009

Thai Kick Boxing Takes off in Amish Land

All is not well with the Old Order Amish in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania (home to Dracula’s US cousins) since 14-year-old Monty Mennonite the Younger came across what has been later referred to by Church Elders as “The work of the Devil” – an old July 2005 copy of Rolling Stone magazine with a centrefold article on Thai kick boxing.

In the article, resplendant with glossy colour photos, Rolling Stone journalist Dork Stringberger extolled the virtues of Thai kick boxing not so much for its violent aspects but the code of discipline and healthy well-being it promotes as a self-defence martial art.

Apparently Monty the Younger became fascinated and enamoured by the article and used his high school library computers to access the internet for further information of the subject, downloading reams of instruction data.

He and several reactionary Amish school pals set up their own dojo in a remote barn and met several times a week to practice their martial skills and generally kick the living shit out of each other.

While Amish communities usually abide by a strict code of moral observances – their ‘Ordnung’ – that very base trait of human frailty known as jealously often manifests itself even in the most well regulated of societies.

Hence it was that all the boys involved with Monty the Younger’s martial pugilistics were of a courting age and given to tolerable bouts of ‘rumspringa’ (running around) – but their girl friends were getting suspicious of their sneaking off during the week.

Tracking their various beau’s in concert to the outlying barn, the hormone-fired wenches discovered, to their collective delight, a sight they might only behold in their wildest dreams – half-naked muscled sweaty men engaged in physical combat.

Confronted with their secret and threatened by exposure if they refused to comply, the kick boxers were given an ultimatum – the girls could come and watch their practice bouts – or they’d grass them up to the Amish Elders.

As with all of things a secret is only such when known to one – now it was known to a group of amorous gossiping female too.
Word quickly spread and one evening, under cover of darkness, the barn was surrounded by adult members of the community who feared it was the destination for sordid orgies.

It was with only slightly less abhorrence that they learned the true function of the barn’s covert purpose – kick boxing.

While the seasons of rumspringa in maturing teenage adults might be tolerated with forebearance by the community, this was considered an outrage and far beyond the scope of abidable non-conforming behaviour by those soon to be baptised.

In a pacifist society practicing non-resistance and turning the proverbial ‘other cheek’, the martial group of youths were threatened with shunning if this abominable practice did not cease forthwith.

Monty the Younger, as the instigator of this banned ‘sport’ was issued even sterner warnings but the clincher came when it was noted by the Elders his boxing gi’ was fastened with those most accursed and confounded inventions of Satan’s diabolical armoury – ‘Buttons’.

For this unforgiveable offence he was duly excommunicated – and moved to Thailand - where he became a kick boxing champion.

Hmmmm, a violent Amish – almost makes as much sense as a monogamous Mormon.

No comments: