Friday, 22 May 2009

Wind Farms Cause Goat Insomnia

The chief veterinarian officer for Taiwan’s offshore islands’ Department of Agriculture, Foods, Fisheries & Goats, Dr. Pak Lunch, is investigating reports that a large number of the domesticated species of Capra may have died of exhaustion attributed to the aggravating 24/7 racket from a wind farm adjacent to their grazing lands.

Mr. Dong Mah Jong, a farmer on Wankin Island in Taiwan’s blustery South China Sea ‘Penghu Archipelago’, informed the foreign correspondent from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette that he had lost more than 450 animals after eight giant wind turbines were installed close to his fields.

The Ministry of Agriculture (etc.) says it suspects that noise may have caused the goats' demise through lack of sleep and anxiety attacks.

The electricity company, Tai-Pow, has offered to alleviate Mr. Jong’s losses by supplying his remaining flock with goat-fit ear defenders.

Mr. Fuk Yu Tew, a spokesman for Tai-Pow, said the cause of the goats' deaths still needed to be investigated, but that he doubted the goats died from the noise considering none of their brain-dead workers seemed to lose any sleep due the unholy racket created by the wind turbines.

Before the wind farm was built four years ago, Mr Mah Jong had around 700 goats – thereabouts - if he ever stopped and bothered to count them.
Shortly after the electricity-generating turbines were installed, the 127-year-old farmer says his animals started to die. He now has just 250 emaciated, nervous goats left.

"The goats looked skinny and they weren't eating. One night I went out to the farmhouse and the goats were all standing up, shaking their heads from side to side - they couldn’t sleep because of the noise from the wind farm next door.”
“Next thing they stopped bonking – zero sex drive - so I had no new kids to replace the dying stock.”

Dr. Pak Lunch opined "Abnormal noises could affect the customary growth and feeding intake of animals and cause them to suffer sleep deprivation.”

“However, the goat is a baffling species for feats of endurance inasmuch of what they can eat and survive. They can chew, swallow, digest and excrete landfill materials that defy bio-degradability or recycling by even the most brutal mechanical means – hence it is weird they are being so negatively affected by the turbine noise.”

Farmer Jong at first attempted to cure his goats’ insomnia by filling their drinking trough with Horlicks or camomile tea every night - to no effect. An evening treat of a couple of Sominex sleeping tablets each still didn’t solve the problem either – the goats continued to suffer from loss of appetite and fretted away to skin and bones – and started to rattle as they wandered aimlessly around.

Daily additions of the anti-anxiety drug Xanax to their drinking water was considered a failure when the medication caused half the flock to mosey about in a manic depressive state – and the other half to turn psycho and make futile assaults on the wind turbine masts.

After reading a copy of ‘Insomnia for Dummies’ Farmer Jong commenced a nightly ritual of reading the goat flock bedtime stories and singing them a lullaby before giving each animal in turn a cuddle and a good-night kiss – which resulted in several of the animals committing suicide by leaping over the island’s cliffs : lemming fashion.

Do you live near a wind farm? Do the swishing blades keep you awake at night? Do you have a wind turbine on your roof like David Cameron? Do you live next door to David Cameron? Does Cameron’s wind turbine keep your goats awake at night? Do you think David Cameron claimed for his wind turbine on Parliamentary expenses? Do you think David Cameron’s a wanker? Would you vote for David Cameron? Would you vote for a complete wanker?

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