Monday, 25 May 2009

Texan Takes Crap on Royal Bog

Queen Elizabeth has ordered the suspension of a chauffeur (by the balls) after a troop of rowdy and drunken Texan tourists gained access to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace while she was out shopping for summer sales bargains at a Skidrow Hamlets 'Quid-Stretcher' shop.

A palace spokeswoman told the Daily Shitraker that an investigation would be carried out into allegations that royal chauffer Benny McScrunt, a rehabilitated rhubarb addict, was paid £1,000 to give the Texans a grand tour.

Apparently McScrunt had been moonlighting as a chauffer-driven limo’ at Heathrow Airport in the Queen’s personal ‘state occasions’ Bentley after dropping her and husband Phillip off on her shopping trip at Skidrow Hamlets in London’s east end.

As Her Majesty and Phillip planned on having a few pints at a local pub later, followed by Phillip’s favourite kebab supper - then intended to catch a bus back to Buck’ Palace – McScrunt thought he was safe earning a few quid extra on the side and wouldn’t be missed.

The arriving Texan tourist group were attracted by the black Bentley’s royal coat of arms on the rear doors and fluttering bonnet pennants, and hired McScrunt for an excursion around the city – while downing copious amounts of booze from the on-board bar’s liquor selection.

On learning their driver was actually one of the royal chauffeurs the group bribed him into taking them on a clandestine tour of Buckingham Palace via the back door.
Household guards and security didn’t give a second glance to the returning Bentley, nor could they view the imposter passengers due the smoked glass mirrored windows.

McScrunt parked in the underground garage then sneaked the Texan tourists into the Queen’s private quarters via her personal elevator – where they commenced a video and photo shoot session of each other sitting on the throne, trying the royal crown for size, juggling with the orb and sceptre, playing ‘trampolines’ on her regal four-poster bed, and finally getting caught in the act when the Queen returned home unexpectedly and discovered a hairy-arsed redneck squatting on her imperial lavatory taking a crap.

In recent years there have been a number of high-profile royal security breaches, as in 2003 when the Daily Shitraker reporter Leftie Wright spent two months working undercover as a Buckingham Palace peasant flogger and managed to photocopy Prince Phillip’s prescription for haemorrhoid medication.

The same year comedian Aaron Barkshit set off six alarms and appeared on CCTV several times without sparking a response when he gate crashed a royal Ann Summers lingerie and sex toys party at Windsor Castle.

Last Christmas the UK’s celebrity anarchist graffiti artist Wanksy stole into Balmoral Castle while the Queen was in residence and painted “Phillip’s a Prize Twat’ across the battlements’ masonry in three meter high day-glow fluorescent orange letters.

One unconfirmed rumour reports the Queen as having ‘gone ballistic’ over the intrusion, kicked two of the royal corgis up the arse and bawled out the head of security with: “It was bad enough having that shit-for-brains Texas moron Dubya Bush here, never mind a truckload of his redneck mates!”

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