Swiss Terrorist Shot Dead by Police

A suspected terrorist dressed in Lincoln Green and armed with a crossbow has been shot dead by police in a siege at a house near Nottingham.

The man, a certain Mr. William Tell, reported to be an unemployed Swiss migrant worker, was observed acting strangely in his back garden – placing apples on a child’s head then shooting them off with crossbow bolts.
The child, now identified as the man’s ten-year old son, HoTell, was overheard shouting “Fer fuck’s sake Dad - don’t miss again!”

Two uniformed officers, PC Numpty and PC Dumpty, responding to neighbour’s 999 calls went to Nottingham’s Skidrow Forest Housing Estate, where they saw a man with what they thought was a crossbow.

A short time later two police armed response vehicles were dispatched to the scene after the investigating officers reported that the crossbow had been fired repeatedly and several Granny Smith’s had been mortally wounded.

Fellatia van der Gobble, a spokeswoman for the Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) told reporters "Two unarmed officers went to the scene where they saw a man in the back garden with what is believed to have been a crossbow – shooting apples off a young boy’s head.”

“When cautioned by armed response officers that his actions presented a danger to the youth Mr. Tell responded “Fuck off Plods – I’m practicing me aim.”
“At this time the armed response team’s officer-in-charge, Sheriff Fuctifino, decided that proportionate action was required, and a police marksman from the Sherwood & Loxley division, PC Hood, disarmed Mr. Tell with a well-aimed arrow from his longbow.”

“The youth was taken into custody after officers entering the garden premises were lambasted with apples by Tell junior who accosted them with a profane verbal barrage of “Yer stupid cunts – you’ve shot me fuckin’ Dad!”

Responding paramedics, after removing a large arrow from Mr. Tell’s head, declared the terrorist suspect DOA and stuffed him into a recycled body bag.

A police statement later claimed their action was not disproportionate as Mr. Tell might well have injured his son and later turned the crossbow on himself – thus prompting their actions of shooting him for his own safety.

Post-incident interviews with neighbours, expedited by the IPCC, revealed Mr. Tell had been drinking prior to the crossbow incident and was apparently distraught over the recent break-up of his relationship with live-in partner and well-known local slapper Maid Marion.

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