Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Major Chew n Spew Goes All-Out Halal

Household brand name chew n spew fast food chain KFC is trialling halal and kosher meats in certain restaurants, but some Muslims and Shylocks say it hasn't been killed in the correct Islamic or Jewish manner.

So Pox News religious correspondent Fellatia van der Gobble asks when is halal meat not halal meat and what’s what in the kosher brochure?

KFC may claim its food is "finger lickin' good", but until recently orthodox Muslims and some diehard Kykes have seen a problem with it.

Now KFC is trialling halal meat - meaning it has been killed in accordance with Islamic dietary laws - in eight of its UK restaurants.

But the trial has sparked a debate over what is and what isn't halal, with some Muslims boycotting the restaurants because they say the meat has not been killed correctly – with one teenage Muslim martyr from Smegmadale’s Semtex Central Madrassa blowing up a local KFC outlet with a suicide bomb after they included Mexican Sneezy Pig burgers on their menu.

However the issue now is whether meat can be halal if it has been slaughtered using mechanical methods - such as roadkill – or twatted with a baseball bat.

Traditionally, halal meats are killed by hand and must be blessed by the person doing the job – the holy butcher. But some devout Muslims say a mechanised form might now be acceptable as long as the machine operator is a qualified Mullah and not some greasy heathen infidel.

The meat is traditionally prepared by slaughtering the animal by a quick chop to the neck with a sharp machete to allow all blood to drain from the animal – just the same as when the Jolly Jihadists are beheading Western hostages on television in Iraq.

However one Smegmadale abattoir that supplies KFC has come under fire for employing an out-of-work Christian vicar to operate the mechanical head-hacker on its chicken snuffing machine – even though he was singing hymns and giving the birds Last Rights – with the processed carcasses being condemned by KFC’s resident Mullah as ‘haram’ – the very negative and exact opposite of halal.

Regardless of whether chickens or fish have been slaughtered in accordance with the stipulated religious requirements would you eat anything that’s covered in feathers, lays eggs and flies through the air squawking - or – pisces aquatus edibilous - swims underwater and breathes through slits in the side of its neck?

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