Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Fossil Lemur Looks Like Dubya

The pristine fossil remains of a 47-million-year-old lemur-like creature have been unveiled in the US.
Its preservation is so intact it is possible to see the outline of its fur and even traces of its last meal – what appears to resemble a partly-digested McScrunt’s Chew n Spew Spam fritter.

The fossil, nicknamed Titsy, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates – apes, politicians and humans - and more distant relatives – the Hoodie and Chav troglodyte sub-species that developed the first systems of rudimentary cave drainage.

But some independent experts from Fossils-R-Us, awaiting an opportunity to see the new specimen are sceptical of the claim and have been critical of the hype surrounding the presentation of Titsy as an Eocene-era pin-up girl.

The fossil was launched amid great fanfare at the American Museum of Dusty Old Crap in New York, by the city's mayor, Guido Corruptioni.

Although details of the fossil have only just been published in the prestigious scientific journal - Fuctifweno - there is already a TV documentary, a book tie-in, a video game and a t-shirt franchise.

Titsy, apart from being well past her shelf life at 47 million years old, was actually discovered in the 1980’s in a fossil treasure-trove called the Messel Shitpit, near Schwein-en-Schlippe in Germany. For much of the intervening 20-odd year period Titsy has been hidden away in the private collection of US zillionaire miser John D. Rockerscrunt .

The investigation of the fossil's significance was led by Thor Nogson, curator of the Very Old Things Museum in Oslo, Norway.
He personally believes the fossil creature is "the closest thing we can get to a modern day tree squirrel" and described the discovery as ‘a load more fucking work that interfered with his fishing’.

The female animal lived during an epoch in Earth’s history known to archaeologists as a ‘Long, long time ago’, which was crucial for the development of early primates - and at first glance, Titsy resembles a stooping George W. Bush but is actually a type of lemur.

But the creature lacks certain defining primitive features such as a so-called ‘cross mandible’, a specialised feature in which the lower incisor and canine teeth are elongated, crowded together and projecting forward - to bite the living fuck out of its prey.
Titsy also lacks a stylised claw used by sub primate species for grooming hence she probably looked like a right scruffy piece of uncombed shit while still alive.

The team concluded that she was not simply ‘another fucking lemur’ but a new species. They have called her Darwinius masillae, to celebrate her place of origin and the bicentenary of the birth of evolutionist Charles Darwin - renown inventor of the clockwork hedgehog.

Dr Jurgen Schnitter, an expert on the Messel Shitpit and a member of the team, flippantly dismissed Titsy as another effing lemur – nothing too special.
"She belongs to the group from which the banana munchers evolved but my impression is that she is not on the direct ancestor line of Homo Credit Cardus."

Independent experts who were originally keen to see the new fossil but somewhat sceptical of any claim that it could be "a missing link" now estimate Titsy resembles the violent Zimbabwe sub-species of primate – Homo Robertus Mugabius.

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