Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Somalia Stricken with Pirate Flu

Fragmented World Health Organisation reports coming out of Somalia assess a swine flu outbreak of pandemic proportions is ravaging the entire country.

While the centre – and origin - of the outbreak is reportedly the infamous Somali pirate port of Eyl, the flu has now spread at a geometric rate both north into the Bari peninsula and south down the Skidrow coast to infect a Biblical multitude in the shitpit capital of Mogadishu (now re-named Mog-a-Tissue) and as far as Chisimayu on the Kenyan border.

One report that reached the International Herald Shitraker today claims a Mexican cold storage vessel, the 3,000 ton MV Mala Suerte Cochino, was hijacked by Somali pirates from Eyl just over a week ago.

The Lloyds of London underwriting manifest declaration states the ship’s cargo of finest Mexican Oaxaca pork was bound for Dubai to stock the new Chew & Spew franchises of Taco Cabana due to open across the Emirates later in May.

The pirates, led by Long John O'Dinga, sailed the commandeered vessel into their safe haven buccaneering port of Eyl and, on discovering the cargo was edible, started a veritable pork deli’ butcher’s shop on the dockside.

One hungry brigand, chewing on a half-cooked trotter, told a reporter from the Buccaneer’s Gazette “Hey, this pokiu is good man – a hungry Muslim has no conscience – Allah forgives all.”

While WHO doctors are uncertain if the Somali pirate crew became infected with the H1N1 Swine Flu virus from handling and eating contaminated pig carcasses or from contact with the hostage Mexican crew themselves - one thing that has become evident is the fact the pig flu strain is highly virulent and spreading faster than a dose of clap in a Johannesburg whore house.

With a population wholly uneducated in the niceties of personal hygiene and being so poor not only don’t they possess a handkerchief between them, they don’t even know what one is - but would gladly wipe their noses on a convenient sleeve - if they possessed a single shirt.

Thus with every fucker and their proverbial dog wandering round in a normal Ganja-stoned state, sneezing their sinuses out and spitting betel juice ten to the dozen, then infection is guaranteed to proliferate at plague contagion rates in the Saharan tropical heat.

One UN maritime official, seconded to ransom negotiator duties in Eyl, passed the cynical comment earlier that the Somali swine flu pandemic might be just the ticket for solving the piracy problem altogether and, uncharitably, recommended the WHO should withhold supplies of Tamiflu anti-viral medication from the destitute country.

Links: Jobcentre Plus / LEP website - URGENT - Buccaneering Vacancies :
If you think you possess the cut-throat spirit and have the drive and stamina for a pirating career, contact your local Jobcentre Plus for an application form today or download a printable copy online from the Afro-net official Somali-based Pirates_R_Us@mogadishu.com website.

Applicants must hold a minimum of an NVQ 1 Diploma in Hostage Care, be familiar with automatic weapons and possess a current keel-haulers certificate. The ability to swim is also desirable.

Interviews will be held on a strict appointment schedule basis in the 'Pugwash Lounge'of the Parrot & Cutlass bar in Mogadishu commencing on Mayday 04/5/2009 (right after the funerals)

(Rusty’s Skewed News Views - a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch)

No comments: