Sunday, 3 May 2009

Hatton Floored by Third World Thumper

The UK’s skinny white hope Ricky Hatton suffered a devastating second-round defeat in his IBO light-welterweight world title bout against Filipino Manny ‘The Maneater’ Pacquiao in Las Vegas last night.

Hatton, 30, was knocked down by a flashing head butt in the first round then floored again by a knee in the bollocks shortly before the bell.
Hatton attempted to struggle to his feet but his legs had gone and he collapsed like a sack of wet shit.

Mancunian Hatton the ‘Hitman’ got dusted by a smack to the head with a pickaxe handle in the second round and counted out as ‘Pacman’ Pacquiao mercilessly put the boot in.
Hatton attempted to rise on the count of eight but Pacquiao continued to pierce his pathetic defence with lightning combinations, putting him down again with another knee to the nuts.

Referee Hector McTwat warned Hatton for trying to kiss and make up midway through the round, but Pacquaio was not perturbed, sending home a thunderous head butt that rendered his opponent unconscious before he had hit the floor.

There were some anxious moments as Hatton lolled on his back, with cries of “Get yer arse up yer lazy cunt” from his thousands of fans who had paid mega-bucks to see their hero trashed in two rounds.

Ron Scrunt, from Smegmadale, was in the arena with his chavette slapper girlfriend Blingie McSlag told reporters: "We're effin’ gutted. Wot a useless twat. Me an’ Blingie put the whole trip on me credit card – an’ that’s gonna take us five years to pay back outa our DSS welfare benefit payments.”

Conversely Blingie declared "Even wiv Ricky getting’ ‘is fuckin’ ‘ead punched in I'm still chuffed we came cos the atmosphere in the arena woz amazin’ – wot a turn-on - I pissed me knickers.”

This defeat puts defending champion Hatton's future in the sport in grave doubt.
It was Hatton's 48th defeat in 47 fights, while the rabid predator-like Pacquiao now has 49 wins and three defeats from 54 fights, with most of his opponents ending up as quadriplegics.

The victory confirmed Filipino Pacquiao's status as the number one pound-for-pound fighter in the known Universe.

Hatton, described by the boxing correspondent for the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette as being “Like a pikey’s rat hound - all dick and ribs”, came into the fight at the MGM Grand Garden Arena as a big underdog, although few could have predicted the calamitous nature of the defeat.

‘Pacman’ landed 73 blows to Hatton's 1 - with 65 of them power punches, while ‘Hitman’ Hatton only landed a singular jab.
Following the fight Hatton was taken to hospital for a precautionary cerebral scan which confirmed the fact he has been brain-dead for some time.

After regaining consciousness Hatton told reporters he shouldn’t have drunk four pints of Stella ‘Headbanger’ lager before the fight.
“The problem woz wiv me tactics, yer see – I woz bobbin’ and’ weavin’ like me trainer said but I think I woz weavin’ when I should ‘ave bin bobbin’ – then bobbin’ when I should ‘ave bin weavin’. Summat like that. Anyway that cunt Pacquiao kept ‘ fuckin’ ‘ittin’ me wiv ‘is fists – that’s why I fell over.”

Hatton is reported to have suffered a further bout of losing after the fight when the roulette wheel at Sin City’s Caesar’s Palace proved uncooperative by eating several thousand dollars from his share of the match purse.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – blended with a modest touch of Yeast Logic.

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