Sunday, 24 May 2009

Weekly Skewed News Roundup

A sound slap on the wrist this week for the Greedy Grocer – ‘and’ the Grotty Grocer supermarket chains from the UK’s Foods Regulatory Board concerning the amount of water they’re injecting into fresh meat products to bulk the item’s weight – and too their own disgusting profits.

This reprimand came following a legion of complaints from both housewives and restauranteurs that fresh (sic) beef, pork and meerkat meat products (to name but the standard British kitchen basics) shrank to half their original size during cooking due the evaporation of the huge volume of water injected into the flesh.

Several complainants questioned – tongue in cheek – if the animals had been slaughtered by approved methods in an abbatoir or actually died from drowning.

US President Barky O’Barmy started singing a totally different tune this week after his meeting with Israeli coalition Prime Minister Binman ‘Bully Boy’ Nuttyahoo and is now back on track telling the Pentagon to get ready for the big bad Iran attack on their nuclear facilities – and the Palestinians to ‘go fuck themselves’.

O’Barmy’s earlier pre- meeting Bolshie comments to the media of how he was going to force Nuttyahoo to kiss some Yankie ass, sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty then disarm their nuke weapons arsenal – and come to a satisfactory peace accord with the Palestinians in setting up their promised homeland - all seem to have been more at scent than substance, leaving O’Barmy & Co on their knees kissing some Zionist ass – as per usual.

Nuttyahoo told reporters following his meeting with O’Barmy “I sorted his bleeding heart Liberal ideas out for him. This is what happens when you give these Third World kaffir types a bit of an education – they think they’re smart and get dangerous ideas.”

Still with the US – the Department for Education & Advanced Numptyism has decided – at long last - to officially adopt a four-vowel alphabet with 25 letters.
Hence the letter ‘U’, long abandoned in the American spelling of the good old Queen’s English in words such as labour, honour, rigour - and a legion more – will now be stricken from the Library of Congress record.

Professor Myron Fuctifino, head of English Language at the Harvard University College for Dyslexial Texan Twats told the semantics correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette that the last Americans to demonstrate full and articulate useage of the letter ‘u’ were Thomas Jefferson when he drafted the Declaration of Independence – and Gouverneur Morris when scribing out the finalised draft of the now-redundant US Constitution, in 1787.

A British National Party London Assembly member who invited the BNP leader to a Buckingham Palace event has been asked to rethink his invitation - or else.

The Greater London Authority wrote to Desmond Dumbnuts after he chose the BNP’s head thug Dickie Scrote as his guest for the summer ‘Royal Barbie’ hosted by the Queen.
Like all the other members of the London Assembly, Dumbnuts is in line for two tickets to the party on 21st July.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense accused Mr Dumbnuts of “trying one on” and making the invitation of the loutish Scrote a political grandstanding event.

Sir Quentin McTwat, Her Majesty’s Chief Equerry, informed the court reporter for the Peasant Floggers Gazette that the Queen didn’t like white supremist rowdy gobshite racists attending her barbies – as she already had enough with geriatric hubbie Phillip and his nasty xenophobic remarks.

In a candid aside to reporters Sir Quentin added that Prince Phillip could be taken anywhere ‘twice’ – the second time to apologise.

The crew of the International Space Station have celebrated the successful installation of a new on-board recycling filtration system by throwing a cocktail party with martinis made from their own urine

They clinked their glasses together and informed Mission Control, via a New Delhi call centre, that the tipple tasted like someone had pissed in it – even with the olives.

The innovative system collects urine, sweat and atmospheric moisture, and whatever else it can find hanging around in the limited ISS atmosphere then recycles and converts it into purified 100% proof gin.

The technology is seen as an important step forward in plans to double the schedule of barbeques and benders on the ISS by the end of the year when the astronauts relax together and down a few drinks in a true cosmopolitan bonding session – and no more arguments over who can use which crapper as everyone will be pissing in the same pot.

The three astronauts were given approval to try the gin on Wednesday after tests on a litre sent back to Earth by Fed-Ex parachute declared the tipple ‘very potent’ and ‘a great spot of hangover juice’.

The new hard liquor system is hoped to take the stress out of future long duration missions to the moon and Mars by keeping the astronauts in a maudlin state of inebriation – and add an entirely new meaning to the phrase ‘going on the piss’.

A new book by the Vatican Jesuit friar Tommy Torquemada claims the Spanish dictator, General Francisco Franco, may have had more in common with German Reich Chancellor and serial psychopath Adolf Hitler than previously known – by having only one bollock.

Much like the Nazi leader, Franco's lack of a full bag was reportedly from an injury he suffered by getting kicked in the nadjers by his first wife for being such a two-legged dildo and an all-round annoying twat.

Biographers have long speculated if this state of monorchism affected the reproductive ability of the dictator, who ruled the Costa Fortune coastlines of Spain from 1939 to 1975.

However, he did have a daughter, Carmen del Slut, after losing the one nut, but she is rumoured to have been a grudge baby – as some sneaky Falangist git had it in for him.

Scandal-smeared British MPs are resigning their places at the trough of plenty – or being suspended and fired – faster than you can say ‘interest-free loan’.

However several of their hard-faced aristocratic number are pointing the fickle finger of fate at the landless peasant voters for the expenses’ witch hunt stating it is only jealousy of their perks that has brought this exposure of their ignominy about.

Tory MP for Old Scrotum East, Sir Barton Stench, fired a venomous rebuke at the gutter press’s media hacks, telling them the £5,000 in expenses he claimed for remote-controlled wrought-iron gates to the entrance to his manor house were intended to keep unwashed commoners and whingeing taxpayers out.

In an interview with Radio 4's ‘Scumbags You Voted For’ programme MP Stench suggested his critics were envious because he lived in a large house, publicly stating that "What right does the public have to interfere with my private life? Absolutely none!"

Unfortunately Mr. Stench, the shitbag common sheeple have every right. You are supposedly a publicly-elected government official and come under public scrutiny in all your actions – both public and private. Hence when you start squandering taxpayers’ money on ostentatious luxuries, then the proverbial shit hits the fan – as of now.

Tory MP for Quackers, Sir Peter Sniggers, whose expenses for gardening totalled £30,000,000, is to quit at the direct request of party leader David Cameron after it was discovered he had claimed thousands of pounds to have a ’duck island’ built in his Olympic-sized jacuzzi.

The Conservatives' scrutiny panel will decide what figure MP Sniggers will have to pay back - however insider sources claim it will be what financial experts refer to as ‘a whole shitpile of money’.

Up to a hundred MPs are said to be considering standing down – before actually getting disenfranchised and fired - with several admitting to the Daily Shitraker that they have lost confidence in their abilities to continue fooling their constituents and milk the Parliamentary expenses system so the job’s not worth having any longer.

Following the recent geriatric Bilderberg Club annual meeting in Greece rumours are rife that the scumbag snobs plan to completely destroy the global economy and ultimately lower the world’s population by two thirds - stoking fears among the Illuminati elite themselves that the fallout from such a dystopic chaos could ultimately result in their losing control over world events – al la French and Russian revolutions – or succumb as victims to their own planned viral pandemics or false flag terrorist wars.

One of Bilderberg’s primary concerns is the danger that their zeal to reshape the world by engineering chaos in order to implement their long term agenda could cause the situation to spiral out of control and eventually lead to a scenario where Bilderberg and the global elite in general are overwhelmed by anarchistic events and end up losing what they consider their septic steering hand on the helm of human events.

The economic crisis is a vastly greater threat than a mere recession and that, as long as the present structure of the global economy remains the same, it will ultimately lead to a massive population reduction of two thirds within a generation or two – and guarantee the mineral resources of the Third World fall into their greedy, grasping hands at a ‘cents on the dollar’ fire sale price.

Such a massive crisis would bring many unknowns that terrify some of the more savvy members of the Bilderberg inner circle who are belatedly questioning how far they have actually gone not only to destroy the world but perhaps even destroy themselves with designer viruses like HIV / AIDS and virulent pandemic-capable strains of bird and swine flu – regardless of their current recession-focused “demand destruction” strategy – which aims to destroy demand by crippling the world economy on purpose – precisely what we are witnessing today.

Further, Bilderberg are dead set on pushing through the Lisbon Treaty despite it being rejected by countries in Europe who foolishly allowed their stupid sheeple populations to vote on the issue, and are prepared to manufacture demonization campaigns against anti-EU pressure groups, namely the Eire Libertas organization fronted by Declan Ganley – and all other comers.

Still a top Numero Uno priority on the Bilderberg agenda is the plan to micro-chip the world’s landless peasants and useless eaters on a mass scale, which would be forced through under the pretext of fighting terrorism following a spate of mass destruction nuclear false flag attacks - whereby the “good guys” would be allowed to travel freely so long as their microchip could be scanned and the information stored in a database.

The scandal-hit former president of South Korea, Mr. Ron Moo Cow, who had been under investigation for alleged corruption, has apparently committed suicide by jumping off the side of a mountain cliff face into a deep ravine – with no conspicuous evidence he got a helping kick in the ass.

PC Pak Lunch, a police spokesman, said Ron Moo Cow, 94, appeared to have jumped into a ravine while mountain climbing near his home and had left a brief suicide note saying “Byeeee – and please cremate me if you can find all the bits.”

Last month, Mr Moo Cow apologised publicly for breaking the Christian church’s 11th Commandment of “Thou shalt not get found out” concerning the millions of dollars in bribes he either accepted or demanded from lobbying slimes and canvassers during his 2003-2008 term of office.

Police said the former president had fallen several hundred feet down a mountain near his hometown of Gung Ho and had been transported to Kimchi Veterinary Clinic, where he was pronounced totally fucked up and beyond repair.
A post mortem later revealed Moo Cow had died from massive impact trauma injuries - with his head actually getting stuck up his own arse.

Ron Moo Cow's predecessor, Kim Mah-Jong, told a reporter from the Corruption Weekly Review he had lost his "life-long companion, with whom I used to sit each evening and count out our shares of all the bribe money we’d collected that day.”

Last month, Mr Moo Cow was questioned over allegations that he had taken more than $6 million in bribes from a wealthy Chinese Triad shoe manufacturer, Flip Flop Fong, who was indicted in December on separate charges of bribery, tax evasion and duck buggery.

The former president later apologised for the scandal, telling media reporters from the gutter press "I feel ashamed before my fellow citizens. I am sorry for disappointing you and turning out to be such a useless clunt.”

Pity a few UK scandal-draped MPs don’t follow suit and do the honourable thing : just like Mr. Moo Cow.

Excessive consumption of Coca Cola can lead to anything from mild weakness to profound muscle paralysis – impotence and baldness - and even total brain damage, doctors are warning.

This is because the drink contains so much unhealthy bio-toxic shit and GM artificial sweeteners that can cause blood potassium to drop dangerously low, according to a report in the International Journal of Clinical Guesswork.

Doctors quote the curious case of an Australian ostrich farmer who needed emergency care for lung paralysis and a baseball-sized prostate gland after drinking 4 litres of Coke a day.

He made a full recovery after laying off the noxious lethal brew and was advised to curtail his cola drinking for good – along with cutting down on his intake of fried ostrich burgers - and go back to supping Fosters amber nectar.

Another example included a woman who regularly consumed up to three litres of Coke a day and complained of tiredness, appetite loss, constant diarrhoea, persistent vomiting and an itchy snatch.

A coronary trace revealed she had an irregular heartbeat – it kept stopping or adopting a ‘hop-skip-jump’ rhythm – due her low blood potassium levels from an excessive Coca Cola intake.
Once she stopped drinking Coke, she made a full and uneventful recovery and is now chronically constipated.

The study group’s report maintains it appeared that hypokalaemia (the low blood potassium condition) can be caused by excessive consumption of the most common ingredients in cola drinks - glucose, fructose, fuckknows, brown paint, plutonium, ricin, cockroach shit and caffeine.

UK Conservative party shadown business secretary Kenneth Clarke suffered a severe attack of Alzheimers in Parliament on Friday when he forgot the Labour Prime Minister’s name while addressing the assembly.

Stuttering and verbally- fumbling to get to grips with his subject matter, Clark then called him first George Green – followed by Gorton Black, and finally declaring “The bloke in the kilt who took over from thingy – Tommy Liar – whatever.”

A 96-years old Chinese man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from the Happy Endings Bridge in the Middle Kingdom’s Wankin province was approached by an irate motorist who shoved him over the edge, according to the Transplant Organ Buy n Trade Weekly.

Mr. Fok Yew said he was fed up with the desperate man's "selfish activity" which caused huge traffic jams on the bridge’s access roads.

Mr. Ding Dong Dell plummeted 80 meters into a dry boulder-strewn river bed, missing a half-inflated air cushion that was being prepared by civil defence volunteers from the local Tuff Shit Blind Institute by several meters.

The drama unfolded when Mr Ding Dong climbed on to the Happy Endings Bridge on Thursday afternoon and threatened to jump – in the aim of ending worries over his credit card and mortgage repayment bills, and inability to support his two sixteen-year old mistresses in the manner they had become accustomed – ice cream and video games.

Mr. Fok Yew, stuck in the traffic jam in his taxi, apparently grew impatient with Mr. Ding Dong’s ditherings over whether to jump or talk to a police psychiatrist.

He told reporters “I walked over to him and asked ‘Hey stupid - are you gonna jump or what? My wife just call and say my dinner is on the table and going cold – so get your shit together and do it – okay! Then he tell me he need a few minutes more to make his mind up - so I do it for him and give a helping push.”

Police spokesman Kun Kare Less told the media “We can arrest Mr Fok Yew but doubt a charge of murder will stick as Mr Ding Dong was going to commit suicide anyway.”

God bless Confucian philosophy and logic

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Zionist lobby.

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