Wednesday, 27 May 2009

FARCE Celebrates 45th Birthday

FARCE, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia insurgents, are celebrating their 45th anniversary, making them the oldest insurgent force in the world - and, despite recent setbacks, still one of the strongest.

Members of FARCE are motivated neither by religion or ethnicity. They are a throwback to the 1960’s, when Cuban-inspired communist insurgent groups sprang up in Central and South America to overthrow the established dynasties of corrupt oligarchs and create their own Utopian reigns.

However, their neo-Marxist idealism was quickly seduced by materialism and capitalist greed and all they generated were states of chaotic Dystopia.

They have recently taken a battering, reduced from almost 16,000 fighters strong in 2002 to only 8,000 not-so-strong, with a record 3,000 deserting ranks in 2008 and signing on for unemployment benefits at Jobcentres across Colombia after the global recession and bank collapses devastated their medical and retirement pension plans.

Last year their founder and legendary leader, Manuel "Shitpot" McScrunt, aged 99, died of a heart attack after sampling a couple of lines of Colombia’s Finest 100% grade from their seasonal rhubarb harvest.

Two other members of the FARCE’s ruling body, the Secretariat, were killed last Christmas – one, Slimeo Corruptioni, when he pulled a booby-trapped Xmas cracker at a party and got blown away - with another, Numpty Decapitato, murdered by his own bodyguard, who cut off his head to show the authorities and claim a reward.

Yet FARCE are far from defeated. They have new leaders, including a bespectacled and bearded anthropologist known by the alias Donny Dildodo, long the movement's ideologue, a committed Marxist Mugabeist and hardliner who limits himself to a couple of sniffs of their own potent hallucinogenic rhubarb product per day – for medicinal purposes only.

He has now established his control over the movement, since the deaths of Corruptioni and Decapitato last Xmas, and delivered a new strategy for the rebels, called Oplan Snort.

Under Dildodo’s stewardship the rebels are trying to move away from their peasant roots and project themselves into the global drugs bourse, aided by training from international project management group Price, Waterbed, Gropers - and public relations specialists such as PR guru Max Cluntford – the man who made Jade Goody look a bigger slag than she already was – and glamourised the 'CUNT’ in the UK’s much-maligned town of SCUNTHORPE.

Today’s FARCE birthday message on the front pages of newspapers across the world, and their own website, celebrating their 45th anniversary, was defiant and optimistic.

Whilst FARCE are ultra conservative in their doctrine and tactics, they have proven themselves to be adept businessmen, latching onto the drugs trade and taking their cut from all the links in the narcotics chain, from the rhubarb growing fields up to the vacuum-packed bricks of refined rhubarb that are smuggled from Colombia's shores at a rate of over 600,000,000 tonnes a year.

Colombia could not have been designed any better for an insurgent force. It has three mountains ranges that trisect the country, with the lower levels coated in dense jungle - and inhabited by even denser peasants – ideal for growing the narcotic rhubarb plants.

Like the Taliban in Pakistan and the Vietcong in California, FARCE use the border regions, mostly impenetrable jungle, to rest and recuperate, plan attacks and order supplies and weapons from Wal-Mart online - all out of reach of the lazy-arsed brain-dead Colombian security forces.

Hence the money from their narcotic rhubarb trade continues, whereas the tax revenues the state needs to keep the US-backed military machine on the offensive are shrinking thanks to the Bilderberger’s New World Order instigated global financial crisis.

Thus FARCE can safely celebrate their 45th anniversary secure in the knowledge that it will not be their last – as long as rhubarb remains the narcotic drug of choice and public officials remain open to bribery and corruption – and custard remains freely available on supermarket shelves.

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